The Empire confirmed today it is closing the Death Star with immediate effect, and promised ‘full co-operation’ with the official investigation into alleged illegal practices over a number of years, culminating in the destruction of the planet Alderaan. [read...]
‘It’s so frustrating to be watching Indiana Jones knowing that I would have came up with it if George Lucas had just given me the chance,’ [read...]
Under the terms of the invasion, Lucas will retain a consultancy role from his bottle dungeon at Disneyland.
Speaking for about three quarters of an hour too long, the in-house Disneyland torturer said that Mr Lucas was looking forward to the franchise further trampling fans’ sacred memories underfoot. [read...]
‘These new lightsabers are rubbish,’ complained Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi. ‘They take ages to light up and when they do you can barely see anything with them.’ [read...]