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Posts Tagged ‘George Osborne’

Pavements to be made from mulch

‘Dog ends, ciggy packets, vomit and, of course, copious dog shit, that’s what the public thinks is suitable for leaving on the pavement,’ said the newly appointed Pavements Minister, Sebastian Fanshaw MP. ‘And no pavement has seen a sweeper in years, so no wonder we’re constantly slipping on part-composted crap.’

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Posted: Sep 23rd, 2014
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Osborne ‘is Gimp Man’, say Essex rumours

‘It must be him,’ said 20-year-old mother of five, Chantelle Smith. ‘It stands to reason, don’t it? We all know what these Eton boys get up to in their spare time and I ain’t seen him on the telly recently, even with all that Scotch thing going on.’

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Posted: Sep 22nd, 2014
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Government raises UK bullshit threat level to ‘severe’

The UK’s bullshit threat level has been raised from ‘substantial’ to ‘severe’ meaning that the possibility of impending bullshit is highly likely.

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Posted: Sep 3rd, 2014
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Cameron appeals for ‘calm’ so he can at least finish one holiday this year

wearing Bermuda shorts and ready to go again at a moment's noticeDavid Cameron has today called for ‘calm’ throughout the world and at home, after yet another holiday had to be interrupted.

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Posted: Aug 19th, 2014
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Cull bottom 5% to improve average GDP, says Osborne

‘By culling a relatively small number of people, we can rapidly get ahead of Belgium. Scottish independence would have a similar effect but we really need the Scots to stay – they make such excellent cannon-fodder.’

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Posted: Aug 12th, 2014
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