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Posts Tagged ‘George Osborne’

Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future to visit Osborne for talks

A spokesman for the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future today announced that they would be seeking talks with the Chancellor to help him see the follies of his austerity policy. He has been previously visited by other Dickensian characters, but reacted by cutting the art subsidy to Vincent Crummles, removing the Artful Dodger’s Jobseeker’s Allowance and cancelling Daniel Quilp’s disability benefit.

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Posted: Nov 28th, 2015
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Autumn Statement festivities grip the nation

A small number may moan that Tory councils are putting up their Autumn Statement street lights and decorations earlier and earlier each year. However, the majority of the public are getting into the festive austerity cheer.

‘As the nights grow longer and the weather gets colder, it is wonderful to have a magical event to light up these dark times,’ one Tory councillor said.

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Posted: Nov 26th, 2015
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World struggles not to tell Charlie Sheen ‘I told you so’‏

The sad news of that star of ‘Anger Management’ was diagnosed with HIV four years ago, has naturally been greeted by an outpouring of empathy and a subliminal sense of ‘we did warn you’. While no one deserves such an illness, there is a feeling of inevitability; like a George Osborne cut-back, a James Corden punchline or US diplomacy involving guns.

Ironically, long before his diagnosis, many had assumed that Mr. Sheen’s predilection for prostitutes and porn stars was the main contributor to the world becoming immune to anti-biotics.

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Posted: Nov 24th, 2015
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Tax credits cause cancer, claims Osborne

In a surprise announcement by the Chancellor, the British public have been warned that suckling on the welfare teat is worse than ‘smoking processed meats’. George Osborne has defended his decision to cut tax credits as an attempt to save lives, combat salami-handouts and low-wage beef jerky.

A spokesman for Mr. Osborne said: ‘We’ve been trying to warn the public, that the welfare state is bad for your health – particularly with our funding of the NHS. Pensions can cause diabetes. Your Housing Allowance will give your herpes. And Disability Benefit causes…um…well…disability’.

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Posted: Oct 30th, 2015
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George Osborne to produce one-off TV special ‘How Clean is your House of Lords?’

‘The place is full of leftie hippies and it is clear that it is stuffed full to the brim with overflowing ashtrays containing spliffs, empty beer cans and mucky gatefold sleeves. It needs a good shake down.’

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Posted: Oct 28th, 2015
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