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Posts Tagged ‘George Osborne’

Osborne to sell his own grandmother

Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne is to sell his own grandmother to help reduce the deficit, according to a Treasury spokesman. The move follows Osborne’s announcement that he intends selling government shares in Royal Mail and RBS.

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Posted: Jun 12th, 2015
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Cameron returns from Euro break with a dose of the clap

'this is why Europe needs reform, and more sanitary lamposts'A sheepish Prime Minister has returned to Downing Street from his EU ‘whistle-stop’ tour with what can only be described as a bad case of sunstroke and a ‘mysterious rash’.

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Posted: Jun 5th, 2015
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Banks to repay mortgages now inflation is negative

‘It’s the only decent thing to do,” said Mark Carney, governor of the Bank of England, after announcing that inflation had turned negative and that consequently banks will be reimbursing mortgage payments. George Osborne immediately outlined plans to reimburse savers tax paid on their savings, backdated indefinitely.

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Posted: May 20th, 2015
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Austerity limits Lloyds share discount to 5%

‘You should register online, quoting ‘We’re all in this together’,’ the chancellor advised. But hurry, because extreme spending cuts mean that these crazy knock-down prices will be restricted to only £4 billion of shares for a lucky few.’

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Posted: Apr 21st, 2015
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Hard Working Families to be given extra votes

it's all about getting up again tomorrowNow that the entire General Election revolves around glowing generalities, a cross-party committee of MPs has agreed that greater representation should be given to positive, abstract concepts. So with the last day of voter registration looming fast, all spare votes will be distributed among those impossible-to-prove beliefs such as the ‘common good’, ‘patriotism’ and ‘Britain’s Got Talent’.

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Posted: Apr 20th, 2015
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