On the dairy stage, Cheese-strings remain incredibly popular, while milk and yoghurt put in a solid performance. The Dutch duo Edam and Gouda were described as ‘bland’, however, and fans were disappointed when Maasdam failed to show up. Rumour has it that they have chosen to make their sole UK appearance unannounced at Waitrose.

There were complaints: ‘The festival is too commercial these days,’ said one veteran of the shopping extravaganza. ‘Too many products in one place, too many old-fashioned items and it’s lost its friendly, scruffy vibe. It’s sold out.’ But with more people than ever going out to get their groceries last weekend, it looks like the Asda shopping weekend could be here to stay.

Immac

Rhythm guitarist Rick Parfitt of veteran rockers Status Quo said: ‘I was already to do our first ever experimental twelve-string guitar free-form impro when suddenly I was put off by this large pair of breasts jiggling about in front of me. I had no option but to fall back onto my tried and tested five chord technique.’

Tabloid picture editors have also complained of the topless fan syndrome. ‘It’s usually only after we have printed a picture of an average Glastonbury crowd that we suddenly notice there is a prominent topless young female right in the middle of the picture. For God’s sake, put your shirt back on!’

Ellie’s misgivings grew when she started consulting Starhawk on day-to-day issues. ‘It was all just glib generalities really, you know about ‘truth being the final reality’ and ‘love can move mountains’ which I’m sure is just a Celine Dion song. None of it was much use when my partner Daniel has just owned up to ‘channelling’ that slapper from the organic bread shop.’

After an extensive etheric recruitment campaign, Ellie claims that she has found a suitable replacement guide. ‘Trevor is nothing like Skyhawk. In fact he was formerly an arc welder from Daventry. The first thing he told me was to serve Daniel a taste of his own medicine by giving my chiropractor a bloody good ‘Rolfing’.’ After this advice she says the two of them hit it off immediately. Skyhawk continued to chip in with bits of annoying hippie advice, and when I told my new spirit guide about this, Trevor went round and threatened to smash his face in unless he stopped the cosmic stalking. I’ve always been instinctively against violence, but Trevor said ‘Tonto’ had it coming, and it was sort of nice to have someone sort it all out.’

Ellie now runs an etheric recruitment agency, offering other new-agers the chance to fire and replace their spirit guides, without unnecessary karmic repercussions. She says that Starhawk is probably already dishing out bland platitudes to some other gullible sod. ‘He knows that he can just walk into another job because he’s a Red Indian. Nobody seems bothered whether these ascended soul-entities are any good at their job or not; it’s about time there was some serious regulation in the spirit realm.’