“I thought it odd that my lawn still needed mowing in November”, confirmed Grantham. “Normally I can safely put the lawnmower away in October, just after we’ve pruned back the cat. But we’ve been collecting berries from our rabbits as late as last week, and I’m already digging up tortoises that are sprouting.”

Grantham is ashamed to go out in public with his face covered in pomaceous fruit, particularly as a lot of the apples have bad skin. “Some of the smaller apples are especially embarrassing”, admitted the moderately wealthy source of Vitamin C. “From below, they look a bit like dogs’ bottoms. The man at the garden centre said the stress of fruiting too early can cause health problems, he’s painted grease round my knees, to reduce the risk of canker.”

Grantham’s wife is trying to be supportive of her husband, but admitted she prefers a banana. “I enjoyed it when he was in blossom, the scent more or less made up for the bees and it’s nice having a husband who counts as one of my five a day. But I’m not completely sure he’s innocent in all this. My mum swears she caught him self-pollinating in the greenhouse, the dirty little sod.”

Fortunately, help is available for sufferers of male pippin boldness. “I’ve joined a support group where we can discuss our fears, work through our self-esteem issues and exchange recipes”, said Grantham. “Last week we went on a field trip together, it was liberating to stand in neat rows, sunning our coxes. The organiser didn’t even charge us, although he did let some Romanians give us a bit of a shake and pick up the fallers. He’s always wanted an orchard.”

Grantham hopes that he will eventually learn to adapt to warmer winters, and is receiving expert help. “There’s a range of treatments available. Some people have been wrapped in newspaper and stored in sheds until the Spring, or treated with a range of creams, poultices and custard”, explained the heavy cropper, but Grantham is trying something more radical. “Doctors are planning to repot me, so I only produce chest fruit in future. It’s too early to say if it’ll be successful, but I look forward to the day when I can hide these beauties away from prying scrumpers. The surgeon hopes he can bud this in the nips.”

‘February, unlike most other months, is known to drift over time and can be affected by a range of climactic and meteorological factors,’ explained the lead researcher. ‘While a traditional February usually oscillates between 28 and 29 days, it’s now known that during the last ice age Februaries of up to 34 days were not uncommon. We can only assume that a dramatic shortening of February is the direct result of man’s impact on the environment.’

However, the research findings have immediately been challenged by climate change sceptics who claim that leaked emails show the figures have been selectively chosen and that 2012 will almost certainly have the longest February of the decade so far.

‘February is following a natural rhythmic cycle and there is absolutely no evidence that carbon emissions have any impact on the length of this month,’ argued Elias Jones from the Exxon Institute for Climatic Chronology, based in Salt Lake City, Utah. ‘It’s absurd to suggest that a spot of man-made pollution could affect the time we have on this planet.’

‘This whole thing is just as much of a conspiracy as the arguments against creationism,’ continued Jones. ‘I don’t know what anyone finds so hard to follow. The Earth was created on 29 February in a Leap Year and so is only a quarter of the age that these Big Bang fanatics claim.’

The protestors are said to be ‘in disarray’ over news of Mr Monbiot’s imminent arrival at the camp. The visit is supposedly to offer ‘advice on fully ethical and sustainable modes of inner city non-violent passive resistance’, but it is widely seen by the tented ones as the quickest way to bore them into giving up any hope of changing the world and going home instead for a nice, hot, gas-powered bath.

The City of London Corporation’s planning committee says that they have ‘thought long and hard’ before calling in Mr Monbiot, a move which County Hall refers to as the ‘nuclear option’ – although, they clarified, ‘obviously, without the nuclear’.

Monbiot (48) is believed to have already begun the walk to London from his wattle-and-daub eco-home in the Brecon Beacons. He plans to travel as far as Pangbourne on foot, completing the journey down the Thames in a geodesic kayak, finally riding into St Paul’s square on a solar powered Segway.

‘Don’t get me wrong: George is, like, my hero,’ explained protester Jeremy ‘Jezza’ Compton-Couvela sitting on the steps of St Paul’s, shivering, and drenched in global warming-related rain. ‘But as soon as he turned up at Dale Farm he started checking whether I had lithium ion batteries in my torch, which I thought was just a bit too ‘investigative’. I let it go, I went along with it, but by the time he left, I was sharing my tent with a homeless family from Dagenham and cooking them a hearty vegan breakfast every morning. I really can’t go through all that again.’

The staff and clergy of Saint Paul’s are already resigning en masse in protest at the plan.

‘I realise it’s a fairly desperate measure’ admitted City of London Corporation’s policy and resources committee chairman, Stuart Fraser. ‘But the only workable alternative was to send in Vanessa Redgrave. I know this is the City of London, but we do have some ethics.’

‘Not requesting fresh towels unless it is entirely necessary has seen a marked change in world ozone density, increased climate stability and a more efficient checkout procedure,’ said a spokesman. ‘This, combined with fair trade complimentary coffee sachets means that the hotel industry is really leading the way in saving Mother Earth.’

‘It really should come as no surprise’ said Dick Fentiman, Vice President of the Green Innkeepers Group, ‘being a hotelier and eco-warrior go hand-in-hand.’ ‘Chocolates on pillows, free wi-fi and special deals for corporate travellers aren’t going to attract new customers if they have to travel across blasted wasteland to get to the nearest Travelodge – unless the concierge is really good and can still get hold of an affordable prostitute.’

‘There is absolutely no place for this type of bigotry in the modern game,’ said Barry Jones, the FA’s new climate change guru and leading light in the zero-tolerance community. ‘We’ve come a long way since the days when it was considered acceptable for players and fans to joke about holes in the ozone layer and melting ice caps, but now we need to stamp it out for good.’

In recent years many football fans have reported their Saturday afternoons being blighted by an uneducated minority who pollute the stands with their anti-science chants. Global warming deniers have long taunted opposition fans with chants such as ‘You’re not singeing anymore’, and, in a reference to rising sea levels, ‘You only sing when you’re swimming’. Meanwhile West Country teams such as Yeovil Town, where there is a large wind turbine community, have been subject to abusive chants like ‘You can stick your fucking windmills up your arse’.

The FA’s campaign builds on research they conducted that found a clear link between the Holocaust, racism and scepticism towards claims by solar panel and wind turbine marketing managers. There are now fears that many of the top premier league players, who come from nations like Spain and Germany where photovoltaic technology is streets ahead of our own, could boycott English football in disgust.

‘At the end of the day these climate change deniers are all cowards,’ continued Jones. ‘They’re happy to dish it out, but if you ask one of them to back up their chants with empirical evidence, they soon back down. ‘I’m not a climate change denier,’ they’ll say. ‘Some of my best friends are leading research climatologists with an unshakeable belief in man-made climate change.’ Well, from now on they’ll be telling that to the judge.’

He added: ‘It’s no exaggeration to say that Britain could soon be flooded then burned to a crisp while everyone gets skin cancer. Is that what you want for our young footballers? Because that’s what will happen.’

ronseal (hat-tip to rickwestwell)

For reasons that are not yet clear, household composting schemes and the diligent separation of glass and cardboard from general refuse could not negate the effect of hundreds of millions of cars and factories.

“I just don’t understand it,” said Publishing Consultant Ruben Shepherd. “we really pulled out all of the stops; the council won’t take corrugated cardboard, so once a month I load up the Range Rover and take it down to the recycling centre myself. Talk about going the extra mile.“

“We took all the caps off the chianti bottles before lobbing them into the recycling bin with a satisfying tinkle, one by one. Oh and we only used tuk-tuks on our holiday in Thailand – that’s got to help.”

Advertising executive and armchair eco-warrior Carol Burge was equally baffled: “All year I left orange peel lying around instead of buying pot-pourri,” she explained “and they still say that sea levels could rise several feet, flooding low-lying areas of London and the East of England. Actually, thinking about it, that’s bound to stink – I’d better get some organic cloves too…”

pthr

Speaking from his base at the Whitgift Shopping Centre deep in the heart of Croydon, Santa agreed with six-year-old Ryan Barnes that global warming was a concern and assured him that he was ‘doing everything he could do to ensure that snow continued to be a feature of Christmas by introducing an environmentally friendly sleigh.’

He then told Ryan’s sister Natalie, who had overheard the conversation, that the new sleigh puller has been jointly developed with a major Japanese car manufacture, and ‘a team of magic elves from his other base in Lapland.’

After being confronted by the children’s upset parents, the Shopping Centre hastily arranged a press conference at which Santa Claus tried to explain his earlier comments. ‘Err. I was rather put on the spot by these little b…bright children.’ he said hesitantly whilst adjusting his long white beard which looked as if it could have been made of cotton wool. ‘I share their concerns about the environment and feel that Santa, I mean, I, should do my bit for the planet.’

Looking much less hearty than he does on Christmas cards, Santa explained why it was time to make a change. ‘My old 4×4 reindeer configuration was rather extravagant. Hay doesn’t come cheap and it’s not as if I can ask Santa to drop some off. The new propulsion system is totally hybrid and qualifies for zero congestion charges in major cities. That will save me quite a few bob and will allow me to deliver to California again.’

Mr Claus was at pains to promise that some traditional features would be retained. The new power unit would be named the Toyota Rudolph and will feature shiny red LED lights at the very front of the vehicle. Finally he asked that, instead of leaving a carrot out for the reindeer, children should leave a can of de-icer.’

‘I am proud to announce that the next round of talks will be held in the Maldives,’ said delegation chief, Pablo Solon, waving the signed agreement to cheering crowds. ‘And I give the peoples of the world my word that no future talks will be hosted by any resort that is less than five-star.’

The UN-sponsored climate talks, held in Cancun this week, looked set to end in deadlock until an eleventh-hour deal was struck to agree a mutually-acceptable venue. There had even been threats of a walkout following the UK’s proposal to hold the next summit in Northern Ireland.

‘We were aware that we had a grave responsibility to act now and protect future generations of UN delegates from catastrophic summit venues,’ continued Solon. ‘Were you at Kyoto? No wonder we didn’t get anywhere with that protocol. The TVs in the hotel only had 200 channels and they served nothing but ‘regional’ cuisine. I mean, you can’t cut carbon emissions on an empty stomach.’

Delegates have also welcomed the agreement. ‘Cancun has been brilliant, so it was really important that we ensured there is no drop in quality next time,’ said Diego Monterro of the Argentine delegation. ‘This morning I had a hot stone massage and then spent an hour and a half at the all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet. We’re doing this for our grandchildren, after all.’

After so many false starts on climate change, Solon is sure this time will be different. ‘I’m confident that together we’ve delivered a workable framework for moving towards a sustainable programme of high-end summit venues,’ he said. ‘I really hope the next round of talks can live up to what we’ve achieved here.’

Sadly it later transpired that the agreement included no mechanism to enforce nations’ commitments, and so the next summit will be held in Coventry.

dogwheels