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Posts Tagged ‘God’

God to appear in a vision and warn cinemagoers to turn off their mobile phones

After the failure of the Christianity campaign to advertise in cinemas, the Lord thy God will appear in a vision in selected cinemas to promote blessed popcorn, 2 for 1 baptisms and holy Fanta.

At a Wardour Street the Almighty told media journalists ‘When the agency approached me I told them I was perfectly capable of appearing in Person in cinemas; without the aid of the projectionist or teams of expensive creatives in frankly ridiculous jackets

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Posted: Nov 28th, 2015
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God admits: ‘Jesus is very hard to buy for’

With Christmas approaching, God has said that buying presents for Jesus has become a real problem: ‘After 2000 years, there aren’t many things left I haven’t tried. He says he’s too old for an XBox and, being omniscient, he’s very difficult to surprise…

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Posted: Nov 24th, 2015
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Voices in man’s head tell him to clean his bathroom

Bryan Hancock, a 32-year-old unemployed alcoholic with a hair-trigger temper from Manchester, has been bemused to be told by the voices in his head to go and give his house a good tidying-up. Following on from his instructions from God or the devil, he isn’t sure which, Hancock has reluctantly spent two hours cleaning scale off the walls in his shower.

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Posted: Nov 14th, 2015
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‘Amen’ must be pronounced with ‘ah’ sound, tweets God

God has confirmed, via his official Twitter account, that with immediate effect only prayers ending with Amen pronounced correctly, with an ‘ah-’ at the start rather than an ‘ay-’ will actually count.’ I have become increasingly disturbed with the number of you who are using #amen without understanding how to pronounce it. #learntospeak #ayholes #amen,’ He tweeted.

This was picked up and retweeted over 300,000 times in 24 hours, with many people confused about exactly what God had meant and how He wanted it pronounced. But God cleared this up soon after by retweeting @harry_uk_croydon’s tweet: ‘RT @harry_uk_croydon: SHUT UP FUCKERS, it’s AH-MEN, AY-MEN is just FUCKING STUPID #amen #ayholes”, which God soon followed by posting: “New #commandment. If thou say ay-men thou will get DOUBLE THE CANCER. #ayholes #amen.’

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Posted: Nov 11th, 2015
More from Faith

God finally agrees to save Queen

One is with GodAfter years of indecision and holy fights with his conscience, God has finally decided to save the Queen.

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Posted: Nov 2nd, 2015
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