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Posts Tagged ‘God’

‘Refuse to pay our loans back and I’ll give you arse cancer’, warns God

Following the Archbishop’s plans to ‘take down’ payday lender Wonga by offering people an alternative, the Church of England have released the first promotional video for its new ‘revolutionary credit facility’ today, featuring the Almighty God himself, who claims their punishments for late payments will be ‘much more severe’ than Wonga’s, ensuring nobody will ‘even dare get into debt’.

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Posted: Jul 26th, 2013
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European flooding latest: God tells Nigel Farage to build ark

2 by 2 policy 'under review'UKIP leader Nigel Farage today revealed that he has been instructed by God to build an ark in order to protect sane, anti-European thinkers like himself from the rising flood waters which God has sent to central Europe as a punishment for the incompetence and bureaucracy of the European Union…

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Posted: Jun 3rd, 2013
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European Court rules God cannot cast Lucifer out of Heaven

The omnipresent supreme being, God, has expressed his disappointment after the European Court refused to overturn a ruling preventing him from casting out the senior radical anticleric Lucifer, commonly known as Satan, from Heaven.

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Posted: Apr 26th, 2013
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Constant praising of The Lord has spoilt him, warns deity shrink

The constant praising of Our Lord has left him completely unprepared for modern life, warns a top reality theologian, who says the occasional kick up the arse might do him some good.

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Posted: Apr 22nd, 2013
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God arrested as accessory to child abuse by priests

Police today arrested God for failing to inform the authorities about crimes committed by several priests after He heard confessions from the perpetrators as they sought forgiveness in their prayers.

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Posted: Mar 12th, 2013
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