God today put out an unexpected press release confirming that rather than being completely omnipotent, holy coverage is actually around 99.3%. This has been attributed to blackspots in some of England’s darker backwaters, including the Mersey Tunnel, London’s Underground and Swindon.
Posted: May 10th, 2012
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‘In the old version you never knew if the crab was coming or going, so this is a considerable breakthrough for crustacean technology. However, we have had to compromise the design with a rear-view mirror so they can get used to new methods of navigation.’
Posted: Dec 26th, 2011
More from Environment, Faith
‘In hindsight choosing 25th December was a mistake. We thought it would be a great time to have the festival – practically everyone’s off work for Christmas and the schools are closed. But in reality people are far too busy eating too much, getting pissed, trying to cop off at office parties and watching the My Family Christmas special.’
Posted: Dec 8th, 2011
More from Faith
Following controversial remarks that the recent earthquake and storm on America’s east coast were a sign of God’s wrath, Michele Bachmann today declared that her own candidacy for the Republican presidential ticket in 2012 is the surest sign yet that the end times must be near.
Posted: Aug 31st, 2011
More from World News
‘What with praying eight hours a day, I didn’t really have the time to train. And there was the eating. Athletes need to take on board a lot of calories.’
Posted: Jun 30th, 2011
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