'One trump or two?'

The Reverend Michael Starns of St Edward’s Church, Mortimer was last week left with no choice but to break wind in order to ensure a second cup of tea during routine appointments.

‘I like at least two cups of tea per visit, though I always feel awkward dropping hints.  But last Wednesday neither Sister Bathsheba nor the couple planning their wedding offered me tea, and when I only got a thimbleful at the OAPs’ rummy morning, well, I just had to let one go in the desperate hope that someone, anyone, would say ‘more tea vicar?’  But did they?  Did they jellybean!  All I got was an ‘I’ll just open the window, shall I?’’

‘I even remarked about the elephant in the room, but Mrs McNorris just said ‘yes, I’d noticed you’d been putting on a few pounds, vicar.’ Bitch.’

'We should never do this again'

Hopes of a resolution to the continued occupation of 10 Dagnall Park, Selhurst were dashed again last night as guests Susan and Derek appeared to settle in for the long haul.

‘It feels like they’ve been here for years,’ said Brian Sheldon, an indigene of the disputed territory.  ‘They keep raising our hopes saying, ‘Well, we’d better be going,’ and ‘I’m sure you’ve got things to do’, but they never actually go.’

After some promising discussions on the whereabouts of the guests’ coats, things soon took a turn for the worse as Helen unwittingly opened a new topic of conversation with Susan, and Derek led Brian to the computer to show him something funny on Youtube.

Moments later, in a tersely worded statement, Brian, deputy leader of the occupied homeland, asked an empty toilet, ‘Are they ever going to fuck off?’

Later on in the day, a delivery driver was dropping off a package of stationery and muttered, ‘Alright?’ to Roberts as he passed his desk. ‘I thought he was genuinely interested to see if I was alright or not. I told him that I didn’t think I would ever get over the death of my mother two years ago and that also I was harbouring some dark thoughts about self harm but I thought I could control them for the time being without medication. He just walked off as well, having called me a weirdo.’

Roberts’ boss Fred Harper commented, ‘I think Jack has just taken people too literally when they have given him a cursory word in passing. No-one really actually cares how other people are, it is just a standard greeting. We have offered Jack some training to help him to interact more normally in future.’

Psychoanalyst Dr Karen Greber has studied human interaction for her entire career and is particularly interested in workplace dynamics. ‘Jack Roberts is a typical needy man,’ said Dr Greber, ‘but his faith in human nature is misplaced. Essentially we are all automatons just grinding through our daily lives so we can head home to even more drudgery followed by sleep riddled with nightmarish thoughts, only to wake up even more tired and slightly less optimistic than the day before.’

Roberts is philosophical about his experiences, ‘I think that there are some people who are good and who want to engage with others in the workplace. For instance Gary who is the sales director, he really likes me and always has a nice word to say, especially when I bring him a coffee or bagel back from the shops at lunchtime. I know that he’d talk to me anyway, it’s just that I was going that way and it isn’t any trouble for me.’