The pen uses motion sensors and sophisticated algorithms to capture the user’s movements when writing, translates them into readable digital data and posts them back to Google’s servers via the nearest available Wi-Fi port. It’s viability has only become possible after Google realised it had accidentally and inadvertantly recorded every available wireless connection in the world as the Street View cars went around taking pictures of your house.

The pens will be sent out in their millions to every known postcode and will be branded with the Google logo which, through clever electronic trickery, will change every few days into a new Google doodle to keep scribblers and doodlers interested in using them.

‘The analogue field is not something which we’ve been able to reach but now that we are able to access handwritten thoughts we can truly tailor your real-world experience to provide suitable advertisments which reflect your needs as a consumer. We’ve hooked up with all the major retailers so, say you’re writing a shopping list on a piece of paper, the Google pen will record your requests and a new system of billboards and mind control in the analogue physical environment of your supermarket will point you in the direction of the best purchase of the day, which we think is terrific for all sorts of reasons,’ grinned Google chief executives Sergei Brin and Larry Page.

On the Google plus side, the pen is claimed to provide a faster scribbling experience than any other mode of paper-based, dextrous, anologue notation. ‘It’s the best, fastest, smoothest pen on the market,’ the company claims, and also, they say, seemlessly ties your thoughts in with your social network which makes putting everything you do on line sooo much easier. But, Google admits, the pen will need to update itself in the background from time to time and handwriting may be slower during those periods as a result.

The pen will be introduced in time for users to sign up for the new Google privacy policy on March 1st. ‘We’ve learnt a lot from phone hacking and now will only allow you to use Google systems if we have your complete consent to read your emails, identify your physical location and monitor connections with people who are dearest to you, and use that information for whatever purpose we want,’ said Mr Page.

‘It’s a matter of choice, but it’s a pretty simple choice. If you don’t agree to it, we won’t let you use the internet,’ said Mr Brin. ‘Which we think is totally fair and in line with our corporate poilicy of ‘Don’t be Evil!’, and if you’re still unhappy you could always try and block google.com through the settings in your internet browser and see how far you get with that,’ he continued, before apparently being completely unable to stop himself adding ‘Mwahhahhaaaahaaa’.

Microsoft has already dubbed Apple’s effort the ‘ka-ching’ and has countered with a Tarot-based device. Meanwhile, Google are said to be working on a Ouija tablet, the result of a collaboration between Edison, Einstein and Isaac Newton.

But pundits believe the rivals will struggle to lure followers away from Android, who recently released a small bag of tiny stones with predictive text. As TechRadar observed, ‘these new open-source rune-stones really can be described as ‘iconic’.’

Quaz and The All New Jeni B

Figures showed that chat rooms lay almost dormant on the 27th December, but by 09:01 the next day the numbers had gone up by 520,000. Further breakdowns showed that 66% of internet users were on chat rooms, 23% were on bingo websites and the remaining 11% were Googling their own names, looking at a friend’s baby pictures or writing on spoof news websites.

One chat room user had started a thread entitled ‘Getting round the blocks for Facebook’ which had attracted contributions from administrators at MI5 and the stationery team at Number 10. When the elusive poster was asked about their job, they replied only with a short statement stating that they wished to remain anonymous ‘in case one of their managers was online too.’

kimllfixit

‘These allegations are nonsense,’ said the editor of the website, ‘just like most of the saucy gossip and unbelieveable celebrity secrets you read about. Our website is great for kids, families, parents, babies, pets, teachers, managers, countries and businesses and would never construct articles around the use of the hottest, sexiest language so as to make the website turn up in lists of most popular web searches or get mentioned on Twitter, Reddit, Facebook, Tumblr, CNN, Google, YouTube, Wikipedia, the BBC or Al-Jazeera.’

The editor, who looks a bit like Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise and Beyonce and puts his ripped six-pack down to the Easy 10-Step Abdominal Workout popularised by men’s magazines offering nudity, fashion and comedy, said that the accusations were worse than those levelled against Rupert Murdoch, Barack Obama, the royal family and The Simpsons. ‘I’m a big fan of Apple products, the X-Factor, Glee and cheap Viagra, and simply love FIFA, Harry Potter and dating sexy singles in your area, so these slurs really hurt.’

‘Far from being concerned with topping lists of most popular web searches,’ he continued, ‘my website operates with integrity and a simple noble aim to compile the hottest, sexiest, fastest, biggest, most popular, cheapest, highest quality news stories in one convenient place with a focus on celebrity gossip, how to attract women, SAT study tips, movie release dates, free music downloads, bus timetables, nude photos, the best Playstation 3 and Xbox games, and lingerie. It’s that simple.’

‘We make no claim to understand cloud computing and viral mobile marketing, to INCREASE YOUR MANHOOD TO MASSIVE SIZE or to be the hottest, sexiest, most popular web search,’ he added. ‘That would just be wrong. Apple.’

Textbook (hat-tips to ronseal, waylandsmithy, and rickwestwell)

All the big providers, including GoogleMail, Yahoo, and MS Outlook, will now allow easy filtering of emails from friends and relatives called Pam. The new versions of software will automatically separate emails they deem to have originated from a Pam into a different folder. There will also be a button marked ‘Pam’, to do it manually. Equally, there will be a button marked ‘This is not Pam’, should any non-Pam email be inadvertently diverted to the Pam folder.

Mrs Anderson from Mansfield said, ‘This will make life so much easier. I live in fear of missing an email from my sister Pam in America. At the moment, I have to keep a keen eye out for emails titled ‘You rate duck or what?’ but now all the hard work will be taken care of. From now on, Pam’s emails go straight into the Pam folder – good riddance to the stuck-up cow. ’

gleedo

‘It’s a time bomb waiting to happen,’ claimed report author Brian Renfrew of Cambridge University. ‘Once these kids get introduced to books, it’s like an addiction. They get gripped by Pipe’s history of the Russian Revolution or Civil War, Interregnum and Restoration in Gloucestershire, 1640-1672, and all best practice of simply Googling the important dates goes straight out the window.’

‘I’ve seen these youths slumped in corners of the library, silent but for the relentless flick of the turning pages. It’s sad, but their concentration spans are getting longer and longer. Some of them can’t even be bothered to play FIFA Soccer on the PlayStation when they get home – you can almost see their thumb muscles wasting away.’

Representatives of student groups have strongly defended the new-fangled ‘book-learning’, pointing out the benefits of having a set of definitive references in front of you and in one place, without the tedium of wading through sponsored adverts and porn. But this view was condemned as ‘short-sighted in the extreme’ by Basil Snoddy, careers advisor at the University of Hull.

‘It’s all very well running to books every time you need an answer, but those Google skills won’t come by themselves,’ he explained. ‘What happens when they get a career as a journalist for TV Quick, say? It’ll do them no good leafing through some musty old reference book when a colleague needs to know now who played Mr Cunningham in Happy Days. They just won’t have the experience to pop open Google and see that the answer is of course ‘Bruce Forsyth’.

rickwestwell (hat-tip to allmyownstunts)

China was announced plans to defriend Google on Facebook after Google said it didn’t like hanging with China and doing shit because it was like too clingy and kept telling Google what to do ‘n shit, so Google started hanging with Taiwan who was way cooler than China because it had shit like Cheryl Cole on its iPod instead of all that old Mao what’s-his-name shit and who cares about all that old communist shit.

Although Google has said it wanted to hang with China and Taiwan and they could all go online and play some games, it appears Taiwan didn’t want to play Collectivised Farmville. Now China don’t want to hear nothing about Google because its been going round saying China’s a slut innit, when everyone knows Taiwan’s the slut and Google is well gay.

the sheriff

Jointly funded by internet search giants Google, Yahoo and Bing, examinations test what students can find out about a variety of topics, including vampires, where celebrities live and the big conspiracy theories. Students keep a blog instead of coursework, and conventional one-to-one sessions are replaced by poking tutors on Facebook.

Ian Goodall, part-time computer salesman and Dean of Wikiversity explained, ‘Using chat forums we spoke to red brick university students and well over 120% said they were more interested in finding out about stuff posted by individuals on the internet than learning traditional subjects based on, like, boring real facts. In terms of significance today is on a par with that momentous day in 1066 when Lance Armstrong and Buzz Lightyear first landed on the moon.’

dicky37