Sources close to Mr Brown are claiming that he and Mr Blair reached a deal in 2006 that Mr Blair would move on after four or five years, handing over to his former Chancellor. But Mr Blair’s aides deny that such an agreement would ever have been struck. ‘There’s no way Tony could have reached such a deal,’ said a spokesman. ‘You only have to look at how little he’s managed to achieve between Israel and Palestine to see that there’s still not a snowball’s chance in hell of agreeing to anything with Gordon.’

Diplomats and officials across the region and in Western capitals were scrambling to relieve tensions after Mr Brown’s comments were overheard while he was making a phone call from the back of his car. ‘It’s that Sue’s fault,’ said Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu. ‘When is she going to remember to turn his bloody microphone off, the silly cow?’

Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas, meanwhile, was more sanguine. ‘Maybe Gordon Brown wouldn’t be all that bad,’ he said. ‘We were worried that John Prescott would be next – he stood in for Tony for a week last summer and ended up causing two Intifadas and punching the prime minister of Lebanon in the face. I’d rather have a mobile phone thrown at me than go through all that again.’

See also: Brown wants to be middle East envoy

‘My back was only turned for a few seconds’ says Alec Dunning in his autobiography “Back from the Nit Nurse”, ‘but when I looked at my maths book someone had drawn a big hairy knob on the front cover. Gordon was trying to look all innocent, but I knew it was him.’

Mr Dunning’s book is the latest in a series of memoirs written by former pupils of Kirkaldy West Primary School that dish the dirt on the turbulent school days of Mr Brown. Earlier this year Mandy Peterson told in her book how the young Gordon had flown into a rage after she had accused him of picking his nose and eating it. ‘He started screaming that I was a Joey Deacon and then pulled my hair. I was distraught until the end of morning playtime.’ Alex Camborne also told in his book how the young Gordon had asked him if he collected stamps. ‘I was a keen philatelist so said yes, only for him to stamp on my foot, shouting ‘there’s one for your collection!’’.

Dunning also confirms many of the allegations made in previous books of the ongoing feud between Gordon and another boy, Toby Blaine. ‘They were always at each others’ throats,’ Dunning writes. ‘Gordon would get top marks in maths and would mock Toby for it, then Toby would come top in creative writing and rub Gordon’s nose in it. But it really came to a head when Toby was told he could play Joseph in school nativity. Gordon was adamant that he’d agreed with Toby that he could play Joseph that year, but Toby wasn’t going to step aside, so Gordon tried to get the rest of the class to back him. It split the class in two – some of them wanted Gordon to have a go, the rest thought Toby was the best Joseph. In the end they played conkers for the role and Toby won, but Gordon was convinced he’d pickled his conker in vinegar so gave Toby a wedgie.’

Dunning added that Gordon didn’t get his chance to play Joseph until his final year at the school after Toby’s parents had moved away from the area. ‘Poor Gordon, it was his big chance but the production was a shambles that year – Toby’s best mate played the inn-keeper and told him there wasn’t room in the stable either, and Joseph and Mary had a row next to the manger about whether they should sell the gold, frankincense and myrrh to pay off their debts. In the end most parents went to watch Kirkaldy North’s nativity instead.’

Though many of them are former associates of one-time Sun editor Rebekah Brooks, with some even being convicted expense fiddlers and dodgy document forgers, the shamed redhead’s crimes have provoked fury even among the MP community.

‘Don’t get me wrong, I pulled some strokes in my time,’ said Alistair, who once forged a dossier that was used for an illegal war in which half a million lives were lost, ‘but what this redhead has done really sickens me. If I could get my hands on her, I don’t know what I’d do.’

Another rioter, Gordon, was seen banging his clunking fist on the roof of the van and shouting obscenities. ‘To think that I went to this monster’s wedding and invited her around to my house sickens me,’ said Gordon. ‘My mate Tony even changed the law in order to please her.’

The conviction of the redhead has brought the Westminster village together, with members who would normally have no time for each other now standing shoulder to shoulder in condemnation. ‘You faaa-king sllaaaagg!’ shouted David, an old Etonian, who ran after the police van waving his fist.

Now the clamour to change the law on redheads is growing. ‘People have a right to know if there’s a redhead living next door,’ said a black-haired sponsor of ‘Rebekah’s Law’. ‘People have a right to know if a ginger neighbour is eavesdropping on them or is engaged in corrupt acts.’

Though opponents of ‘Rebekah’s Law’ argue that some red-haired people will go to ground by dyeing their hair or wearing a hat, supporters insist that the law is essential and are organising a ‘Rebekah’s Law’ march through Bradford tomorrow.

‘If there was still a News of the World, its editor would be backing us,’ one supporter said. ‘Assuming of course, she wasn’t a redhead.’

In a final twist, Rebekah Brooks walked free from her police van, after all the police escorting her resigned and were arrested soon after.

Lovers of risqué puns could barely contain their delight today as the Ed Balls scandal continued to simmer.  Guffaws were heard when Michael Gove, the Education Secretary, refused to be blamed for the fact that Balls had been thrust into the spotlight.

To compound the controversy, senior Whitehall sources suspect that the leak, which caused outrage in the Commons, can be traced back to Balls.

‘It certainly has a whiff of Balls about it,’ said one. ‘I think this came out now so it wouldn’t come out later. It would be catastrophic to have Balls exposed during a leadership challenge, although I’m sure many Tories would be delighted by just that.’

Tony Blair provided extra unintentional mirth when he spoke frankly about his period of handover.  He told New Statesman ‘I couldn’t help but notice that Brown had Balls wrapped around his little finger.’

Supporters of the Shadow Chancellor accused his detractors of mud slinging, and complained that Balls had been smeared all over most of the morning’s tabloids – an unintentionally graphic image that provoked howls of laughter.

The man at the heart of the controversy seemed relaxed when we asked him for a comment.  ’I think it’s bollocks,’ he said simply.

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‘This is far superior to the chalice of bitter tears I received from Gordon Brown,’ said Obama. ‘I know Nick is valued by the British government for his unerring ability to attract the blame for policy bungles, and I’m excited to see how quickly my approval rating will improve.’

Fox News presenter Sean Hannity has already used his show to blame Clegg for the Missouri tornados, the American civil war and scalding hot coffee, all misfortunes he has historically attributed to Obama.

In exchange Obama presented Cameron with a gift voucher for one use of SEAL Team 6, the military squad that assassinated Osama Bin Laden. The Foreign Office has since advised British travellers not to visit Vince Cable’s house between 3am and 3.40am next Tuesday.

‘In tackling both Gordon Brown and Nick Clegg, Mrs Duffy has shown she has no time for people who come here on false pretences,’ said the Prime Minister. ‘I have therefore asked Mrs Duffy to hang around at Dover and Heathrow with a camera crew and surprise newly-arrived immigrants with difficult questions about their reasons for coming to the UK.’

However, Mrs Duffy’s first shift on the job was not the success Downing Street had hoped for. ‘Each time she asked an immigrant where they were flocking from, they just called her a bigoted woman, and so instead of getting back on a plane to leave, we had to keep driving them to her house to apologise.’

Developed from an idea by SteveCut

‘This remote, barren object was first sighted as recently as 2005,’ said telegenic starmonger Professor Brian Cox. ‘Since then it has hurtled rapidly upwards, and last night in particular it was more visible than ever, hanging ominously in the night sky with its inscrutable face turned towards the earth. It’s a beautiful but disturbing sight.’

Cameron’s face, previously thought to be the smoothest object in the known universe, has started to show signs of ‘mild furrowing’ in recent months. ‘We think this may be linked to spurious activity by The Sun, and might have resulted in some dazzling night sky displays over Libya,’ said Dr Pete Evans, political astronomer at Somerset University. ‘Although on the whole it’s pretty stable compared to the phenomenon Brown-G that we were observing previously – that went from a dark nebula to a huge, angry supernova to a tiny, bitter dwarf star in just three years.’

Observers say that Cameron’s face was at its largest on Sunday night, and is only expected to get bigger and more irritating in the years to come. ‘It’s not actually bigger, just closer,’ Dr Evans explained. ‘It just gets more noticeable the more it hangs there looking down its nose at you. And after recent cuts, there are only six planets left in the solar system, so you notice each one a bit more.’

‘I wasn’t even trying to spot it,’ he went on. ‘Though if you angle your telescope upwards a bit you can sometimes get a nice view of its perfectly-formed satellite, Samantha. Unless its twin, the yellow dwarf Clegg, gets in the way, which it usually does.’

The man, known affectionately to his admirers as Mopey, is described on the social networking site as ‘a gent’, ‘the iron chancellor’ and ‘a really a nice bloke once you get to know him’, in contrast to the more widely accepted image of a man who emerged seething with resentment from a long spell of incarceration inside 11 Downing Street and immediately went on a rampage to settle scores.

As well as the internet tributes, there has been further widespread condemnation of the ‘ghoulish’ activities of accomplices and hangers-on cashing in on the tragedy through lucrative book deals, and bids for senior political office. Despite this, police officials admitted nobody has been able to find the controversial anti-hero since he escaped from the media spotlight in June ‘although to be honest, nobody’s really been looking that hard’.