A 22-year-old woman from Utah has claimed in a national US newspaper that she ‘genuinely enjoys’ Bieber’s music despite being some years out of puberty and no longer even a teenager. ‘He is clearly maturing as an artist,’ she told reporters, ‘and his vocal talent is extremely promising and reminiscent of a young John Lee Hooker.’

Bieber’s manager denied that the star ‘had ever shown this woman any talent or prowess of any kind’, and that his reputation as a vacuous purveyor of emotionally shallow, melodically unsophisticated repetitious ear-syrup was ’100% intact, unlike certain other things I could mention.’

Name-checking Murdoch and the recent NotW closure, its chairman explained. “There have been tell-tale signs for quite some time, and – while I don’t expect ordinary people to be savvy about the rising cost of tittle-tattle – without ongoing public investment in the product, the spectre of moral bankruptcy was perhaps inevitable. The closure will have a knock-on effect for thousands of related services, such as Gossip-mongers, Fishwives and Quidnuncs.

Gossipy housewife Tracey Higginbottom said in a recent statement: “The business of casual malice and trading of unsubstantiated rumour has been our only means of support since time immemorial. The decision to close the mill, therefore, takes away the very meaning from our lives. She then offered some ‘juicy titbits’ of ‘common knowledge’ for sale concerning the woman next door and a black man, at which point, our reporter made their excuses and left.

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‘The fact that she brought up the subject of dating says a lot about where she’s at,’ noted Daily Express columnist Julia Hartley-Brewer. ‘Her release was a great day for freedom, but more importantly it marked the beginning of the next phase in the democracy campaigner’s quest for love and romantic fulfilment. The question on everyone’s lips now is how quickly she slips back into the Rangoon singles social scene.’

Marianna Holt, writing in The Daily Mail, said: ‘Suu Kyi is bound to feel awkward about getting back on the circuit, especially if she’s the type who doesn’t get out much. However, this doesn’t mean she should sacrifice meeting a nice fella just because she wants a career. What’s the point in having a Nobel Peace Prize if you can’t turn up at the awards dinner with a dishy looking man on your arm?’

Polly Neame, Ladies News Correspondent at the Daily Express, agreed. ‘I guess she’s been meeting a lot of military types, and while it’s true women love a man in uniform, I think in her case she’ll have found them a bit uptight and overly-protective. I’m betting she’s a sophisticated lady with an interest in the arts, interior design and prolonged confinement. She needs to find a man who likes the same things, like that lovely Nelson Mandela. He might even broaden her horizons and get her interested in other stuff, like politics.’

But in a Femail article on what not to wear when resisting political oppression, Suu Kyi was warned to be careful. ‘If she’s planning to wow the guys with flowers in her hair and lots of talk about free and fair elections, she’s quickly going to find that things have moved on since she was last on the market.’

Although now planning her next move against the Burmese military junta, Suu Kyi has nevertheless found time to ask that The Daily Star stop phoning on a regular basis to inform her that rugby player and Strictly Come Dancing star Gavin Henson is ready to love again. ‘Aung San and Gavin may well be dynamite together,’ said her lawyer, ‘but her priority now is to bring democracy to our troubled nation – and definitely before she thinks about meeting and marrying Jean Claude Van Damme and becoming Aung San Van Damme, all-action democracy defender.’

‘A lot of us are mums now and it can get quite lonely and frustrating not having someone around during the day to share just how wonderful your man can be. So when we meet up, we can just get it all off our chests and have a laugh over tales of spontaneous petrol station bouquets, how Sainsburys really is much more stressful when they go and how farting is still the joke that just keeps on giving.

As the Cosmopolitans flowed – at least for those who weren’t picking up their husbands from the pub on the way home – conversation ranged from astonishment at how Alison’s Chris manages to do a day’s work AND load the dishwasher in the evening, to outrage at Michelle’s Mike being forced to endure nearly a whole hour of the baby crying while she was at bikram yoga.

But inevitably as the evening wore on, it wasn’t long before the conversation turned to more intimate matters. ‘Girls will be girls and of course we soon started talking about sex,’ explained Alice, who remains flabbergasted by just how much foreplay David can squeeze into an FA cup ad break.

‘It wouldn’t be appropriate to relate the more personal details here, but I just hope the lads never find out some of the things we discuss about what goes on behind bedroom doors. If they all knew how great the others are in bed, they’d never be able to look one other in the eye again.’

Mary Evans

But a friend said yesterday: ‘(S)He has not told me anything about the incident other than that it didn’t happen on a shopping trip to a small market town.’ The friend spoke out after the other celebrity thought to be at the centre of the sensational non-story angrily denied that (s)he had anything to do with the incident that never took place.

A spokesperson for the police said: “I feel for the celebrity. But unfortunately nothing happening is all too common nowadays, especially in small market towns, and there’s really nothing we can do.”

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Court heard that she was 'proper rude'

A court on the 8.23am train found Natasha, a 17-year-old student, guilty of ‘being bitchy about Sunita’s new haircut’ and ‘failing to support Desrene over that incident with the fat man in the newsagents’.  The defendant was tried in absentia by a jury of her peers.

Although the court heard cogent argument that Natasha was ‘not as bad as Anoushka’, and was presented with persuasive evidence that ‘Sunita is actually a slapper’, the defence case collapsed after a character reference from Jodie was struck from the record after the way she embarrassed herself last night.

Natasha was sentenced to two-weeks of evils and mutterings under the breath.  Further charges of her wearing too much make-up and of having no self-respect for going with Tyrone Reynolds at Rochelle’s party were stayed until the court meets again at home-time.

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The news was regretfully disseminated among the staff by a colleague who insisted he hates to spread gossip, before the putative straight-talking woman was discreetly informed of the consensus opinion by a co-worker who didn’t want to upset her or stir up trouble, but felt she had a right to know.