‘Goths are shy, retiring creatures that thrive best in gloomy autumnal weather,’ said Dr James Barnett of the University of Warwick. ‘Drought conditions aren’t an issue since they rarely wash, but they are poorly equipped to deal with high temperatures as they can’t take off their black jeans and duffel coats. Many also suffer with restricted vision as the heat causes their sweaty, greasy hair to form a lank immovable curtain they can’t see beyond.’

Britain’s Goth population, identifiable by its distinctive eye markings, peaked at around 90,000 in the 1970s, but since then has been driven out of urban habitats by more aggressive, faster-breeding species like Chavs. While some Goths are expected to hibernate until the weather gives everyone less to be cheerful about, there are fears that some could spontaneously combust in the summer sun leaving behind only a pair of smoking 18-hole Dr Martens.

Conservationists have now established a sanctuary in Whitby Abbey and are seeking to lure distressed Goths there by means of artificial darkness, playing Southern Death Cult records around the clock and a Tim Burton retrospective at the local Odeon.

But some believe the project is doomed to failure. ‘This is how evolution works, sadly,’ said Dr Richard Dawkins. ‘A species that cannot adapt to change and shows more interest in self-harming than in breeding is bound to die out. I keep telling people but no one seems to get it. Why doesn’t anyone understand me?’ he screamed, tearfully storming upstairs to play Bauhaus records and write poetry in his room.

Oxbridge (hat-tip to Basil_B)

But it seems the schizophrenic’s troubles might not be over. ‘Derek wants to use the compensation money to pay off his mortgage, but Suzi wants to blow it on drink, drugs and the next Goth concert,’ Ms Rodgers said. ‘There could be one hell of a fight when Derek next goes down to the Abbey National.’

ajblacker

‘We had one last year and it was just a blast,’ said Ravyn Voltaire, a 31-year-old tattoo artist, ‘without all the black and white make-up and piercings it was impossible to recognise anyone, and it led to all sorts of daring conversations about getting a better rate on a mortgage, or what happened on last night’s Coronation Street without a single mention of visiting Bram Stoker’s grave to recite necromantic spells.’

Party host Morpheus LeStat has reportedly spent the last fortnight foregoing trips to S&M club nights and dungeons to stay home and put together party CDs, confident he can really get his friends in the mood for the party with songs by Kylie and Westlife that they all secretly liked at uni, even though they could never see themselves in that whole pop scene.

‘I’ve also got wacky prizes like Jennifer Aniston romantic comedy box-sets for the dullest costumes,’ said LeStat who will be foregoing his usual Victorian aristocratic Vampire garb to greet guests in the casual slacks and V-neck sweater combo of a moderately successful architect. ‘I just hope everybody make the effort, and we don’t have a repeat of last year when everybody turned up in their usual leather and bondage get-up and claimed to have come as Tory MPs at home on the weekend.’