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Posts Tagged ‘government’

Spain snaps-up disused ‘Go Home Vans’ to rid Costa Del Sol of ‘annoying English’

Nobody expected the Spanish exposition ‘They’re just really rubbish tourists; they can’t even tan properly.’

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Posted: Oct 21st, 2014
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Fruit-picker promises jam in 6 years’ time

‘I don’t know why there’s no jam yet’, said a customer of the fruit-picker.

‘He’s been gathering our plums for the last 4 years. We’re renegotiating a fresh 5 year contract, and he says we’ll see some jam in 2020.’

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Posted: Oct 1st, 2014
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Labour Party to use ‘guest leaders’

Labour Party to follow the example of ‘Have I Got News For You’.

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Posted: Sep 24th, 2014
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Public to be trained to give drug advice to muggers

not to be taken on an empty stomach, so mug lunch off someone firstMembers of the public are to be trained to give pharmaceutical advice to drug-users before their medicine is stolen from them by junkies, under new proposals from the Department of Health.

‘It’s a thorny issue,’ said Bill Wilkins, one of the government’s top advisors on health-related issues, ‘but the reality is that the amount of prescription drugs being handed over on the street under duress has tripled in a year. Thousands of people being mugged at knifepoint for their painkillers are falling down badly in terms of their duty of care. Some of them are also falling down badly if they get stabbed, but that’s another issue’

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Posted: Sep 22nd, 2014
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Controversy as Eric Pickles awarded planning consent for fourth chin

‘The decision to allow a fourth chin is an environmental disaster’ said Greenpeace activist Fenton Barnes. ‘The expansion in the capacity of Eric Pickles will only lead to a large increase in greenhouse gas emissions, specifically methane’.

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Posted: Sep 7th, 2014
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