‘Eastbourne’s pace of life has long been popular with the elderly seeking to prepare themselves for the afterlife,’ said Robert Cottrill, the Council’s Chief Executive, ’but once word got out that the Grim Reaper was no longer making his rounds here, we’ve been inundated. Locals have had to cope with gangs of pensioners hanging around on street corners claiming there’s nowhere else for them to go, while supermarkets have been brought to a standstill by customers insisting on paying with the exact change. In many ways we’ve barely noticed.’

The build up of the pre-dead in Eastbourne has left charity shops permanently sold out of beige clothing, frustrated residents claiming that you can’t get hold of shortbread biscuits for love nor money, and grandchildren everywhere weighing the benefit of a few ‘bonus’ birthday and Christmas presents against the inconvenience of a delayed inheritance. However tea rooms and Crown Green Bowls clubs are said to be doing a roaring trade, and retail analysts now cite the lucrative south coast market as the driving force behind the burgeoning boiled sweets sector.

The Grim Reaper’s return has not been without its problems, though. Residents are up in arms after he switched from a weekly to a fortnightly collection, and some were furious today after relatives left out in the wheelie bins marked ‘Cremation’ were nevertheless tossed in with the deceased headed for the St David’s Church landfill site.

Yet despite Death’s service being much slower since his scythe was confiscated by Sussex constabulary, he is still managing to entice elderly residents on his open-top boat rides with the promise of ‘cosy lodgings and low heating bills’ in the hereafter. Most, though, took the precaution of dressing for a cold snap, albeit that they agreed it was surprisingly mild for the time of year.

Sir Richard said he would not be wearing the Grim Reaper outfit again, and added ‘And, yes, perhaps I shouldn’t have popped over to offer my condolences to Air France and Yemenia for their recent tragedies whilst still robed up.’

‘We just found his collection form down the back of the old desk’ admitted an embarrassed Grim Reaper, ‘he was due to be collected back in 1977, at the pit of a downward spiral of heroin addiction and cocaine use.’ Yet despite the raddled, deathly appearance of the ageing rock star, no-one seemed to notice the bureaucratic oversight, and Richards was permitted to carry on living for thirty years longer than he was supposed to.

‘It’s all very embarrassing…’ said a spokesman for the office of the Grim Reaper, ‘we have apologised to Keith Richards and his family, and said that we will do our best to rectify the situation at the earliest convenient date. Although at the time of speaking, they still haven’t got back to us.’

This is not the first time that the Grim Reaper’s office had let a collection slip through the net. Other major figures well past their death-due-date include Jimmy Carter, Gary Glitter and the IRA informer who was working for the British secret services.

The Grim Reaper’s office explained that the process of converting from a manual to digital indexing system had left a number of individuals disappearing from the records altogether, with the result that they may never be called to meet their maker at all. ‘We can’t seem to locate the file on Lady Thatcher either. It means she will just have to remain on Earth forever, going older and madder, but always ready to return to 10 Downing Street if you ever decide to give her another go.’

‘I don’t know what all the fuss was about’ said Judge Carl Everett from Tallahassee, Florida. ‘It was only a bit of fun to break up the monotony of what’s been a very long trial. My mask wasn’t very scary really, and I did take it off every now and then when it got a bit sweaty inside.’

Judges in the United States do not wear the formal robes and wigs that are traditional in Britain, but some legal commentators feel that the dress may have been slightly too casual on this occasion. At Judge Everett’s suggestion, all the officials of the courtroom came to the final day of the trial dressed in scary costumes for Halloween.

‘It was completely inappropriate’ said Defense Attorney Greg Anderton, who did not want to risk offending the judge by being a spoil-sport and so reluctantly came as Frankenstein. ‘He knew that the verdict and sentencing would probably come on 31/10, but still made us all dress up as witches, vampires and Egyptian Mummies. The clerk of the court came as a zombie and call me a party pooper, but I just don’t think that is appropriate when someone is being given the death penalty.’

The case in question was that of a 37-year-old Hispanic man who was charged with the premeditated murder of his wife and her lover. The fatal injuries that had been described to the jury inspired one of them to come with blood soaked bandages around his head as part of his Kurt Cobain costume. But another juror was reprimanded by the judge for not making enough effort with her costume. ‘Just wearing a pair of round spectacles doesn’t make you Harry Potter,’ he said during his summing up.

Inspired by events in the courtroom, the warders on Florida’s Death Row also dressed up, with the result that two prisoners were executed by officers in Halloween fancy dress. ‘Perhaps we should have warned them beforehand, but seeing the Grim Reaper next to the electric chair is one way of learning that your last minute appeal to the Governor has been turned down.’

Catch23