‘Where were they when I was off my face at Spearmint Rhinos, eh? Tailing dad buying his annual cardigan at M&S, that’s where! And when I was on a 72-hour bender in Ibiza? Taking long-lens shots of Mum potting up geraniums in the garden. They weren’t even around to get a full frontal of me when I took my kit off on stage that time. What does a guy have to do these days to be unfairly targeted by the red tops?

‘As a proper grown-up, I demand the tabloids place me under permanent surveillance. If there’s not a private investigator outside my front door first thing tomorrow morning, watching my every move through a pair of binoculars and a false moustache, I’ll scream and scream until I’m sick.’

Clarky

‘These allegations are nonsense,’ said the editor of the website, ‘just like most of the saucy gossip and unbelieveable celebrity secrets you read about. Our website is great for kids, families, parents, babies, pets, teachers, managers, countries and businesses and would never construct articles around the use of the hottest, sexiest language so as to make the website turn up in lists of most popular web searches or get mentioned on Twitter, Reddit, Facebook, Tumblr, CNN, Google, YouTube, Wikipedia, the BBC or Al-Jazeera.’

The editor, who looks a bit like Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise and Beyonce and puts his ripped six-pack down to the Easy 10-Step Abdominal Workout popularised by men’s magazines offering nudity, fashion and comedy, said that the accusations were worse than those levelled against Rupert Murdoch, Barack Obama, the royal family and The Simpsons. ‘I’m a big fan of Apple products, the X-Factor, Glee and cheap Viagra, and simply love FIFA, Harry Potter and dating sexy singles in your area, so these slurs really hurt.’

‘Far from being concerned with topping lists of most popular web searches,’ he continued, ‘my website operates with integrity and a simple noble aim to compile the hottest, sexiest, fastest, biggest, most popular, cheapest, highest quality news stories in one convenient place with a focus on celebrity gossip, how to attract women, SAT study tips, movie release dates, free music downloads, bus timetables, nude photos, the best Playstation 3 and Xbox games, and lingerie. It’s that simple.’

‘We make no claim to understand cloud computing and viral mobile marketing, to INCREASE YOUR MANHOOD TO MASSIVE SIZE or to be the hottest, sexiest, most popular web search,’ he added. ‘That would just be wrong. Apple.’

Textbook (hat-tips to ronseal, waylandsmithy, and rickwestwell)

Voldemort, previously known as Tom Riddle, has been the subject of speculation ever since the media became aware that a famous practitioner of the Dark Arts (or “Welsh Football”) had taken out a so-called “super incantation” preventing his name ever being mentioned. Only the bravest or most foolhardy young wizards have dared speak his name, at great personal risk.

Speaking to reporters, the Sunday Herald was adamant that the arcane wizarding privacy law did not apply to them. “Frankly, up here in muggle-land, we couldn’t give a toss.” explained a spokesman. “It’s a load of cobblers, really – look, here I go: Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort!” His authority was somewhat diluted by the fact that he then exploded into a million pieces, which reformed into the shape of a giant green skull overhanging the Herald’s offices.

The outing of the Dark Lord follows a whispering campaign on the internet, where rumours surrounding He Who Must Not Be Named’s identity have been circulating for many years. Ironically, Voldemort’s attempts to remain anonymous have only resulted in even more publicity, in the form of a Twitter campaign, popular jokes on Facebook, and a blockbuster novel and movie franchise.

Suspicions that Megrahi’s death may not be imminent were raised as he announced that he had just started reading all the Harry Potter books, and he is also thought to have recently planted a hedge.

David Cameron spoke this morning of his frustration. ‘It’s awkward – it feels a bit tactless continually asking ‘haven’t you died yet?’. It would save us all a lot of embarrassment if he would just get on with it and die.’

The medical team do not however believe their integrity has been in any way compromised by their climbdown. ‘On the contrary’ said a spokesman, ‘we’re still doing a lot of work for the Ministry of Justice. We examined Raoul Moat this morning, and we’ve given him absolutely no more than six months to live tops, if he eats well.’

rickwestwell with help from the_coarse_whsiperer

‘Take Freshers week. During my first week at Hogwarts, I flew on a broomstick, had a wizarding duel with Draco Malfoy and was put in Gryffindor by the Sorting Hat. This week, I’ve been pushed around pissed in a Morrisons trolley, got in a fight with some squaddies and some smart-arse stuck a traffic cone on my head.’

With the wizarding world offering nothing in the form of higher education, Potter was forced to turn to muggle seats of learning to continue in his studies. ‘Looking back, perhaps if I’d spent less time fighting V****… oh sod it, Voldemort, and more on trigonometry, perhaps I could have aimed my sights a bit higher,’ said Potter, who was told after a recent psychometric test that he’d be well suited to a career in recruitment.

‘But at least I’m making the effort. Ron’s bricklaying apprenticeship isn’t going well – a building site is no place for a ginger – and I hardly hear from Hermione these days since she turned down her place at Oxford to pursue her model/actress career with some obscure film company called Cherry Pop Productions.’

The commission have warned would-be servants of ‘he who cannot be named’ to check with their GP before embarking on a lifestyle choice that involves consuming nothing but other people’s unhappiness and depression. The human body needs a balanced diet; proteins, carbohydrates, as well as over-symbolic human emotions.

A spokesman for ‘Lord V.’ thanked the commission for their advice, hinting that from the New Year his followers would be calling themselves ‘Death and fresh salad with fruit juice and moderate carbohydrate eaters’.

The Diet and Health Advisory Commission is now said to be scrutinising the diet of the vampires from Twilight, urging them to extend their diet of human blood to include five portions of fruit and vegetables a day.