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Posts Tagged ‘health’

‘The Sniffles’ to be eradicated by 2035, Hunt vows

The government is promising positive action against The Sniffles, a condition said by the WHO to be endemic in the UK, and now aims to eradicate it by 2035. ‘For too long, people have had to put up with sounding like Nina Simone for up to three days,” said Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt.

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Posted: Jan 15th, 2014
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Cancer still fatal despite NHS Facebook page

‘Fatal diseases are still by-passing our leafleting campaigns,’ admitted Health Minister Jeremy Hunt. ‘The NHS leads the world in leafleting and our use of Facebook as a distribution medium is world-class, so the latest figures are particularly disappointing.’

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Posted: Dec 10th, 2013
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Half of UK population ‘will die in the future’

At least half of the current UK population will die of something fatal at some point in the future, a stark new medical report has suggested.

Eternal Life Research Group Plc., which commissioned the report, has said that the country is facing a ‘medical time bomb’ and the Government needs to take action now.

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Posted: Jun 8th, 2013
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Ed Miliband promises a cap on life expectancy

In an increasingly desperate attempt to prove his credibility with right wing voters, Ed Miliband has promised to limit the lengths that people will go to avoid death.

Buoyed by the recent projected cancer rates, Miliband is convinced that Labour can improve upon the Coalition’s track record of making people ill.

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Posted: Jun 8th, 2013
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Breakthrough as scientists confirm ‘everything in excess’ is bad for you

‘It appears that literally everything – from asparagus to zoom bars – can and probably will kill you if you excessively indulge in them,’ explained Dr Stevenson.

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Posted: Mar 17th, 2013
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