Children’s campaigners warn Kinder Surprise eggs ‘too surprising’
eggs presented ‘unhealthy levels of suspense and a significant risk of crashing disappointment and emotional scarring.’
Posted: Feb 24th, 2010
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Posts Tagged ‘Health and safety’
Christmas in jeopardy after Santa refuses CRB check
The hopes and dreams of millions of children were on a knife-edge last night as Father Christmas became embroiled in a tense stand-off with the Home Office as he apparently refused to comply with a routine CRB safety check. ‘We rather feel that if a childless man is to be granted nocturnal access to the bedrooms of millions of children around the world, he should submit to some basic investigation,’ said Home Secretary Alan Johnson, who denied that the continued failure of the Christmas deity to deliver a pink scooter in his childhood bore any influence on his actions.
Posted: Dec 4th, 2009
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Mary Poppins banned from child minding
Self styled ‘nanny’ Mary Poppins has today been served with a court order banning her from all child minding activities. Following the hearing, the Royal Borough of Kensington and Chelsea’s Social Services department issued a statement outlining the reasons for the order.
‘Ms Poppins, of no fixed abode, has no recognised child care qualifications from any accredited organisation. Her previous employer, a Mr Banks, raised a number of concerns with us including her administration of spoonfuls of an unidentified medicine to children in her care, all of them laced with unhealthy amounts of sugar
Posted: Nov 15th, 2009
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Archeologists discover ancient Health and Safety report slamming Odysseus
Classical scholars are celebrating the discovery of the damning Health and Safety report on the transport arrangements of Ancient Greek hero Odysseus. The scroll alleges a string of failures to observe safety protocols during his ten-year voyage back from the siege of Troy.
‘Like all citizens of Ithaca, I welcome the conquering hero’s return to his native land,’ said Eteocles head of the Ithaca Health & Safety Executive, ‘but there’s no denying his careless attitude towards his crew’s well-being.’
Posted: Sep 4th, 2009
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Wrapping children in cotton wool is actually ‘effective in reducing injuries’, claim experts
‘For a long time the practice of wrapping one’s offspring in cotton wool has had a bad reputation, with many believing it to be in some way damaging to the children,’ explained Brian Thigh, Professor of Medicine at the University of Hull. ‘However, recent tests have shown that the opposite is true.’
‘In a rigorous series of experiments, we have dropped children from heights, shot them from cannons and allowed anvils to fall on them, and we can now say without doubt that the subjects wrapped in cotton wool fared far better than a control group without such wrapping.’
Posted: Jun 26th, 2009
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