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Posts Tagged ‘Health and safety’

James Bond resigns from MI5 citing ‘too much paperwork’

ready to killJames Bond, the secret agent formerly known as 007, has resigned from MI5, citing excessive paperwork, political correctness and boring villain’s lairs as making his life as a government assassin unbearable.

‘When I started out as a hired killer for the UK goverment, I was given a gun and allowed to take out anyone I liked. I fought the real super-villains, who built rocket launching sites inside volcanoes, supertankers that swallowed submarines, space stations and the like – most of them with monorails. On the way, I could have unprotected sex with any woman I fancied. But the assassination of Osama bin Laden shows how frustrating having a license to kill has become.’

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Posted: May 19th, 2011
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Flash mob at steelworks leaves 16 dead, 40 injured

A singing, dancing T-mobile flash mob was sprung on unsuspecting steelworkers yesterday, causing a spill of molten iron that has left 16 dead and 40 injured. Two workers and 29 bodypoppers are in a critical condition.

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Posted: Feb 8th, 2011
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Health & Safety laws ban prostitutes smoking on street corners

Councillors in Walsall have officially declared street corners as designated places of work for prostitutes and therefore banned them from smoking whilst touting for business.

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Posted: Dec 10th, 2010
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Sycamore trees to carry falling seeds warning

Councils up and down the country have decided to attach warning notices to all Sycamore trees bringing their dangerous autumn seed distributing activities to the public’s attention.

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Posted: Oct 18th, 2010
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Accident Claim Helpline pressing for damages on behalf of crash test dummy

thought he was just unlucky but company always knew he would crashOne of Britain’s leading compensation lawyers is taking legal action against the employers of crash test dummies, claiming that they knew there was a strong likelihood of an accident but did nothing to prevent it. It is alleged that the New Car Assessment Programme knowingly allowed the crash test dummies to drive along a pre-determined route at high speed despite clear evidence that there was a big brick wall at the end.

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Posted: May 19th, 2010
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