Officials from the National Park Service found the gigantic derrieres after tourists camping nearby reported suspicious chiselling noises during the last few nights. ‘We rounded the corner and there they were: four huge butts sparkling in the dawn’s early light,’ revealed head ranger Hal Jorgensen. ‘It came as quite a shock – having four of America’s greatest leaders mooning at you so early in the morning is not an experience I’d recommended to anybody.’

The incident is currently under investigation by the Department of Homeland Security, and while the perpetrators have yet to be identified, theories already abound. ‘We have ruled out any involvement from Al-Qaeda,’ Agent Martin Caruso told journalists, ’as any representation of the human form is strictly prohibited under their extremist interpretation of Islamic law – unless there’s some kind of special dispensation for butt cheeks… Dave, can we get someone from the Islamic Art department to verify that?’

Whatever the political or religious motivation of the antagonists, what is clear is the fact that they did their homework. ‘They knew their subject matter intimately,’ said Caruso. ‘Whoever did this has a thorough knowledge of early American anatomical history. Their sculpture of our former presidents’ posteriors is scarily realistic, including Washington’s ‘don’t sit on me’ snake tattoo and even Lincoln’s less famous second wart.’

Public reaction to the granite backsides has been mixed. Some gun lobbyists, while decrying the vandalism, are campaigning against plans to dynamite the offending articles, citing the constitutional right to bare asses. However others are less supportive: ‘It looks like our most celebrated and successful presidents are bending over to be spanked,’ complained one tourist, ‘or possibly whupped with Roosevelt’s Big Stick. Still it could be worse – if history had happened differently we could be staring up at Hilary Clinton’s, or God forbid, Sarah Palin’s fanny (either in the American or indeed English sense of the word) right now.’

‘Some people were still undecided right up until the broadcast,’ tweeted the foreign minister of Jordan, ‘but after using TV to put his message across the president can only be seen, clearly, as being way way way out of touch. LOL!’

Hillary Clinton said in fewer than 140 characters that the situation was of ‘grave concern’ and urged ‘restraint on both sides’, before adding the hashtag #givepeaceachance. A further tweet from the State Department suggested that Mubarak ‘should really get himself an iPhone and learn how to use his thumbs’.

Foreign correspondents in Cairo frantically cut their reports down to the bare minimum before broadcasting them, and their use of emoticons throughout the day graphically portrayed the deteriorating mood of the demonstrators.

Taking a cautious approach so as not to entirely align himself with the views of the dissidents, Barack Obama opted at this stage to make comments on the slightly less influential YouTube, but hasn’t ruled out making a terse 140 character statement at some point if it appears to be in American interests, as confirmed in a tweet (via his iPad) by White House spokesman Robert Gibbs.

UK Prime Minster David Cameron meanwhile appears to have come out on the side of the beleaguered President, stating that the only place for violent civil action against military forces in a modern state is on the trickier levels of Angry Birds.

Mubarak has few options left, particularly now that the army has expressed its reluctance to intervene as several key generals are still sulking that state of emergency measures have meant they can no longer get a decent signal. A few loyal senior aides are still hopeful that a deal could be struck with the opposition, however, and believe that allowing the extraordinarily rendered to give real-time updates on their progress through the country’s jails could possibly buy some breathing space.

But time is pressing on the President and the demonstrators are adamantly refusing to back down. ‘For heaven’s sake,’ tweeted “Abdul72″ from Luxor, ‘how on earth can any country respect a President who still has a page on MySpace?!’.

Edition One features ‘a lovely English lass’ and ‘A Gorgeous Gallic Gal’ pictured together exchanging what is euphemistically entitled ‘an intimate exchange on the challenges of being in the public eye.’

The idea has been under consideration for some time said editor Jonny Barfield; ‘We did publish a pilot edition of ‘Leaders Wives’ back in the early 1990s but had to pulp thousands of copies containing explicit pics of Norma Major and Barbara Bush.’ But with politician’s partners becoming more and more attractive, the hope is that ‘Leaders Wives’ magazine will combine a growing interest in global political issues with the ever popular topic of soft core pornography.

There will also be fantasy letters from leading politicians, under headings such as ‘Massive Election‘ and ‘I screwed the voters’ and if Hilary Clinton wins the US Presidency, the magazine also promises an explicit new feature entitled ‘One for the ladies’ says Barfield. ‘Although most of the women in Washington DC will have seen that already, at one time or another.’

(first published March 28 2009)

The US Presidential race finally entered the spirit of the internet age this week when the leading candidates made direct appeals to one of the largest demographics in the United States; the internet pornography community.

Although politicians have long recognized the potential power of the internet they have previously shied away from being associated with the largest user group on the web. All that changed this week when John McCain’s campaign team persuaded him to appear in a hardcore video alongside internet porn star Jenna Jameson. ‘Although the image of the senator grasping Ms Jameson’s breasts and shouting ‘God Bless America’ may not endear him to liberal women voters, he made a judgement that they were not going to vote for him anyway,’ explained Andrew Marr. ‘But the veteran Republican’s apparent sexual stamina and in-depth knowledge of the most popular sexual positions on the web is playing well with blue collar workers in swing states. He’d never have won Florida without that scene with the cheerleaders walking into the wrong house.’

Within days the other leading candidates were making a pitch for this newly identified demographic. ‘Traditionally American voters have been categorized by race or class, but spending hours staring at a couple of strangers have sex on your lap-top is a future that cuts across all the outdated labels of Hispanic, Black or W.A.S.P’ said a spokesman for Barack Obama’s campaign team. For this reason Obama has apparently chosen to shun the old fashioned racial stereotype of well-endowed superstud. ‘Obama’ has now become the most popular search on www.BlacksBoneBlondes.com.

However most successful of all is Hilary Clinton, who has enlisted the experience of her husband. The couple star in a hardcore BDSM video entitled ‘Naughty boy must be punished’ in which Hilary the dominatrix turns up at her husband’s work to find him having sex with a younger woman. For this he is then tied to a desk, stripped and beaten with a riding crop. ‘It’s very convincing’ said Andrew Marr, ‘You’d almost think it all happened for real.’

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The footage from the Iraqi prison guard’s cell phone travelled around the world within hours, and shocked millions with its graphic depiction of the former dictator’s final moments. There is clear sound as well as video footage, and soon the images were being broadcast on the internet and on poorly supervised blooper shows, prompting strong words from members of the government. ‘I am appalled and disgusted by this…’ said British Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott. ‘I am supposed to be second in command of one of the major Western powers, and my phone doesn’t even have enough memory for a couple of music files, never mind a home-video. How can it be that some prison guard in Iraq has got a 3G mobile while I still have this crappy Motorola thing?’ Hilary Clinton also spoke out against the recording. ‘Chelsea sent me the footage from her cell phone, but I couldn’t seem to open the file. I had to get someone to show it to me on YouTube where it was filed under comedy. For goodness sake, what sort of civilisation are we? When former First Ladies aren’t given better mobile phones than third world security jailers?’

Widespread distribution of the images has brought concerns that the stakes have now been raised in the craze of ‘happy slapping’. There are fears that a number of other national leaders may soon be grabbed and summarily executed so that the perpetrators can send each other the images on their mobile phones.

However George Bush stood apart from the criticism of the pictures that have shocked the world. He spent the day at the dignified and solemn funeral of former President Gerald Ford, which he recorded with the new 3G cell phone he just got for Christmas.

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