It is not widely known that Hitler was unusually progressive as a music listener. Cassette tapes were invented in Germany in 1935 and Hitler was the first in his neighbourhood to purchase what we would today call a boombox. He was a big fan of the atonal experimentation of Albarn Berg but apparently could not stand klezmer which was the start of ‘that whole thing with the Jews’.

His mixtapes, most of which it appears were made as gifts in awkward attempts to approach girls, reveal a diverse ear, ranging from Fats Waller to Frank Sinatra. Many of those who worked in Third Reich administration would recall his fierce singalongs to My Way. His tendency to bark out corrections to the performances of the musicians on the recordings suggested something was not quite right.

On the fateful day in 1945 which ended his life, Hitler is said to have first contemplated suicide upon hearing that The Andrews Sisters had reached number one.

Textbook

‘Even in his final days Hitler was well known for arriving for work at the Führerbunker carrying a cheese and pickle sandwich in a paper bag,’ said historian David Starkey. ‘Of course he only ate white bread, and for a while in 1938 he developed quite a taste for Müller Fruit Corner yoghurts. He liked to refer to the pot of pure white yoghurt as the Third Reich and the fruit corner as Austria, and always took great pleasure in tipping, or ‘annexing’, Austria into the main pot.’

Historians argue that not only does preparing a homemade lunch allow dictators to eat at their desk and get as much totalitarianism done each day as possible, but it also saves them money.

The research has revealed that Mussolini used to end each evening by packing himself a bag of Wotsits, a Penguin and a refreshing carton of Capri Sun for the next day’s lunch, while Robert Mugabe is never seen ordering illegal beatings and detention without a homemade tuna and sweetcorn bap wrapped in cling film sitting neatly on the corner of his desk. North Korean premier Kim Jong-il is believed to be particularly partial to Dairylea Dunkers.

‘Psychologists have long suspected that those workers who bring their own sandwiches to work are more likely to exhibit tyrannical tendencies, dabble in race supremacy theories and aspire to create a cult following among their colleagues. We also think it’s significant that many of them wear short-sleeve shirts.’

Historians are now moving on to examine the relationship between office décor and dictatorial regimes, including whether any importance should be attached to the popular Nazi office slogan, ‘You don’t have to be Aryan to work here, but it helps’.

Many rally attendants agreed. ‘I brought my little girls here with me,’ said local resident Dwayne Lee Floyd. ‘I wanted them to see exactly what’s right, and exactly what’s wrong, with America. How am I s’posed to fill them with paranoia and hate for that Muslim Kenyan socialist dictator when he’s starin’ down from that sign like he’s Groucho f’ing Marx?

Other protestors were concerned at the correct spelling of ‘Obama’ and the abject failure to indicate how much the name looked like ‘Osama’.  She also neglected to put in his middle name in capital letters and underline ‘Hussein’.

However not all members of the fledgling movement were as upset by the sign. Glen Beck, unofficial spokesman for the Tea Party, addressed the issue on his show, where he called for cooler heads to prevail. ‘I can’t for the life of me figure out why this is such a big deal,’ he said from his Fox News studio on Monday. ‘It’s not like she made him not black.’

Tom Sarvay

Touching down at his private Gracelands airstrip, Presley, 76, greeted well-wishers from his specially-converted vintage World War II bomber. ‘Uh-thankyouverymuch,’ muttered The King, before launching into one of his trademark karate moves. ‘It’s great to be back. Perhaps now I can, uh, get on with my life in peace – yeah.’

Elvis fans, who have long blamed the Sunday Sport for causing his self-imposed exile to the moon after a journalist for the red-top alleged that the Blue Hawaii star had faked his own death in 1977, are said to be feeling ‘vindicated’.

‘From the moment Elvis embarked on a covert mission for the CIA he was hounded by journalists like those two-bit Sport hacks. But he can get back to leading a normal life as an international megastar-cum-intelligence agent of near-god status now that no good rag is gone,’ said one long-term Presley devotee, ‘Although I will miss their Cheryl Cole upskirt shots.’

The return of The King has sparked scenes of worldwide euphoria, yet the historic event has been tinged with sadness for Elvis, who recently learned of the death of fellow singer Kirsty McColl. ‘Aw man that’s a real drag. I met her when I was short on cash and workin’ in a chip shop and we become real good friends – rest in peace darlin’, rest in peace.’

Since returning from his luxury lunar penthouse, Presley has vowed to lead a quiet life. ‘I think it’s time I settled down – maybe I’ll cut back on the cheeseburgers and ease up on the pills a little. And I can’t wait to look up my baby girl Lisa Marie. I read somethin’ about her and some guy with a monkey and an oxygen tent, but you can’t believe everythin’ you see in the papers. Yeah – from now on y’all get no more surprises from lil’ ol’ me…’ said a calmer, more reflective pop icon, ‘Oh, Marilyn and Adolf say hi by the way.’

The al-Qaida supremo’s popularity is thought to have been boosted by British GCSE and A-Level students, who for years have struggled to understand why someone who ‘might have captained the German football team’ or ‘maybe invented BMWs’ is considered to be so evil.

However, the news has sparked furious debate on chat rooms around the world, with many people angry that the fascist dictator’s name may no longer be the ultimate way to ‘win’ a virtual argument. ‘It’s a disgrace,’ said one keen chat-roomer. ‘These people are just jumped up little Blairs’.

Kevin, 57 from North London, insists that he has no particular interest in right-wing politics, although admitted that his choice of clothes and haircut do not help people separate his appearance from the man who was responsible for the death of fifty million people. ‘Sure I have a moustache, but why should I shave it off just because a few people have a problem with some long-dead foreign leader? And I like to wear smart clothes; who doesn’t? That’s my right in a free country and yet it seems even today there are some people determined to take these freedoms away. If it wasn’t for all the Jews and Communists trying to take over the banks we wouldn’t have all these problems.’

Kevin says his misfortune to happen to look like the greatest monster of the twentieth century has led to problems at work, where he has been suspended from dealing with members of the public at Stamford Hill Library. ‘Apparently my physical appearance does not fit in with the ‘politically correct’ template required by a minority of browsers at the library. We get a lot of Hasidic Jews in the Library and one or two single-issue fanatics thought they had a right to tell the council how their librarians should dress.’

Chief librarian Brian Philpot said ‘It wasn’t just the clothes. It was the way Kevin stamped the library books, with his own special Third Reich stamp. Sometimes people would be browsing in the travel section and he would demand to see their papers.’ Kevin was eventually put in the back office where he was made responsible for ordering books but even this led to problems at the library in the predominantly Jewish part of North London. ‘Can you believe the library didn’t have one copy of Mein Kampf?’ said Kevin in an increasingly noticeable German accent. ‘I mean if people could only put the politics to one side, it’s a damn good read. But in my experience the Jews see anti-Semitism in everything. Hitler, Goering, Goebbels; they can’t have all been anti-Semitic. So how come it is OK to be prejudiced against the Nazis, but not against Gypsies and genetically defective social deviants?’

Eventually the political and personal differences between Kevin and his boss Brian led to a physical clash that saw violence between the two men breaking out in the non-fiction section of the library shelves. Kevin shoved Brian back all the way to the newspapers and magazines until Brian rallied and forced Kevin right out of the library, although the devastation wreaked will take decades to put right. ‘It was a glorious victory for the People’s Soviet of Stamford Hill Library,’ said Stalin look-a-like Brian Philpot. ‘But now the Kulaks are not returning their books on time and these class-enemies of the revolution must be destroyed.’

NewsBiscuit

‘Just as Sacha Baron Cohen fooled people with his Borat and Bruno creations, Adolf Hitler created this hilarious extreme anti-semitic character, that fooled millions. Some might say the joke went to far, but that was Adolf for you. He always took it right to the edge.’

If the cloning is successful, McPherson intends to bring back other senior Nazis; ‘Göring’s testicles lie in the Berliner Medizinhistorisches Museum and, although small, would be a perfect source of genetic material.  In fact the museum also houses the genitalia of Himmler, which are somewhat similar.’ he claims.  There is however a major stumbling block in getting the ‘full set’ of Third Reich leaders, as contemporary medical records state that ‘poor Goebbels has no balls at all.’