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Posts Tagged ‘Home Office’

Terrorists to be allowed to blow up ugly buildings

government urging them to 'just get on with it'The new scheme has been described as a ‘win, win scenario’ by Home Secretary, Theresa May.

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Posted: Jun 25th, 2014
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Passport backlog: thousands of Brits wanted a holiday in Cornwall all along

'Thank God Rick Stein's not around to see this'Tens of thousands of people who have had to cancel foreign holidays because of the passport backlog have realised that actually they wanted to go to Cornwall all along.

‘We’d booked two weeks on the Costa del Sol,’ said Fred Ashford, from Ashford, ‘but as soon as we knew our passports wouldn’t be ready, we reappraised the situation and found that foreign adventures probably weren’t for us at this time. It turned out that our ideal holiday destination, in terms of climate, food, relaxation, home from home facilities and all that, was Newquay. And if it pisses down all week again, who cares? I intend to have lots of fun in this new pot-bellied surfing wetsuit I bought by not paying £55 each to speed up the passport application.’

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Posted: Jun 12th, 2014
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Stop & Search to be replaced by Slap n’ Tickle

While the inquest into Mark Duggan’s death may have exonerated officers, the Independent Police Complaints Commission is expected to recommend a radical overhaul of community policing, acts of foreplay and anything involving inflatable fruit. With over 27% of stop and search actions lacking ‘legitimacy’, the Home Office had strongly recommend a more flirtatious approach by law enforcement agencies.

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Posted: Jan 10th, 2014
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Lawyers, judges in secret courts to wear ‘sinister’ wigs

Images of a new range of ‘surreal’ judicial wigs, whose purpose is to ‘terrify and intimidate’ suspects appearing before secret courts, has been leaked to the press.

The Home Office would neither confirm nor deny the wigs’ existence, but sources inside the Ministry of Justice said the wigs were aimed at creating a ‘sinister, nightmarish and deeply unfashionable’ atmosphere inside the hush-hush courts.

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Posted: Jun 18th, 2013
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European Court rules God cannot cast Lucifer out of Heaven

The omnipresent supreme being, God, has expressed his disappointment after the European Court refused to overturn a ruling preventing him from casting out the senior radical anticleric Lucifer, commonly known as Satan, from Heaven.

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Posted: Apr 26th, 2013
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