The world of popular music was plunged into chaos today following the revelation that annoying Irish twins Jedward might have been switched at birth.

‘Medical records found at a Dublin hospital suggest that the one we thought was John is actually Edward, and the one we thought was Edward is really John. It blows your mind doesn’t it?’ asked fellow Irish musical annoyance Louis Walsh.

The brothers themselves were said to be speechless at the news, albeit briefly. ‘It’s amazing’ shouted John, or possibly Edward. ‘All these years I thought I was me, and it turns out I was him.’ His brother, John, or possible Edward, concurred ‘we don’t know who we are any more. We’re going to have to rename ourselves Edjohn.’

The hospital apologised wholeheartedly for the mix-up. A spokesman said: ‘Jedward were obviously supposed to be suffocated at birth rather than just mixed up.’

Doctors nearly died laughing

Doctors completing the paperwork on deceased patient Peter Blakely agreed yesterday that the 56-year-old cancer sufferer got a proper arse-kicking and no mistake.  Although official documents show that in the end it was a walkover for the lymphoma, supporting notes reveal that Mr Blakely was outclassed right from the off.

‘There was no battle whatsoever,’ chuckled trainee doctor Jack Neale.  ‘He was made to look like a real amateur. Some you win, some you lose, but this guy just didn’t turn up.’

‘Mr Blakely’s relatives told us he’d come through a difficult divorce and unemployment, but the history books won’t remember that,’ smirked Dr Luke Styles.  ‘Played one, lost one – that’s the bottom line.  And Jeez,’ he added, shaking his head and exchanging a high-five with his colleague, ‘did this guy lose or what? Youch!’

Kylie, whom doctors say is now showing signs of recovery, was struck down by a mystery virus while on holiday with her family. Her mother Lynda, a fan of Blunt, wrote a heartfelt letter to the singer asking him to visit her daughter.

‘The biggest mistake I ever made,’ Mrs Taylor admits. ‘I bought his album because I liked that song ‘You’re Beautiful’, but I had no idea about the dangers of prolonged exposure. I’m told he did about a 30-minute set, but to be honest it felt like it went on for days. My partner Barry nodded off after ten minutes and one of the nurses told me it’s lucky we woke him when we did or he’d have ended up on life support himself.’

James Blunt first found fame in 2005 after several years serving in the British Army. While based in Kosovo, Blunt began writing and performing his own songs, until he was airlifted out of the region at the request of charity Medecins Avec Frontieres (Doctors With Boundaries). The singer is now primarily based on Ibiza, which has steadily lost its reputation as a party island in the years since his arrival.

Blunt himself remains positive about the experience. ‘I played them a few songs off the new album and they seemed to go down very well. I noticed a lot of heads nodding, and people with their eyes closed, concentrating. It’s made me think I might go completely acoustic for the next album. In fact, I’ve probably got enough material for a double album.’

Right-To-Die campaigners have welcomed the news, saying: ‘It isn’t a very dignified way to go but at least it’s quick.’

Primary Care Trusts have strenuously denied allegations of bug ill-treatment after routine inspections found that many bugs brought into hospital were either being ignored or were not receiving proper attention. Many had been found languishing in corridors, bathrooms and cupboards, with one Pseudomonas bacterium being left unattended on a hospital trolley for four days.

Private hospitals have also come under fire, facing accusations of elitism with certain strains of virus being given special treatment. Nurses at one Harley Street clinic are said to have neglected ‘old fashioned’ viruses in favour of more upmarket infections such as MRSA. One complainant, who wished to be known only as ‘the shits’ told how it was systematically neglected while staff concentrated on an Eton-educated A/H1N1 swine flu bug in the next bed.

As increasing numbers of bugs come forward to complain about being ‘over worked and under sprayed’, details are emerging of an even more controversial issue: the active extermination of bacteria and viruses in hospitals. One whistleblower, a former infection control link nurse, has told of how E coli, ESBL, Legionella and Clostridium Difficile bugs are being routinely eliminated in medical establishments across the country.

NHS chiefs have defended this ‘security measure’, claiming that attacks by infections on staff and patients alike are on the increase and that the bugs must therefore be dealt with. Hospital managers have in turn blamed the government, who, by not giving extra funding to cash-strapped primary care trusts, have been accused of ‘washing their hands of the issue’.

jp1885 with thanks to (deep breath) Wallybrain, Vandella, Seamus Nottrew, JayGee, Stan Laurel and callaway, for their suggestions.

jp1885

An inquiry in London today heard the evidence of a passenger who performed a mid-air tracheotomy on a fellow passenger, who got into difficulty during a recent transatlantic flight. Tom Belvedere, 43, who has no medical training, carried out the complex procedure on 29-year-old Suzanne Kirby. The operation that involves making an incision into the windpipe and blowing air into the lungs is only recommended as a last resort, if life is in danger.

‘It wasn’t easy I can tell you’ said Tom, ‘What with the turbulence and only a plastic knife and fork to cut with, it’s a miracle she made it through. Thank heavens I am a fan of medical shows and I have seen it before. But those pros make it look easy. Getting the pen in was a right bastard! Messy as hell too.’

However, Mr James Knight, the consultant who treated Ms Kirby on the ground was highly critical of the would-be doctor. Whilst he commended Mr Belvedere’s intentions as genuine, he warned other passengers about attempting mid-air surgery. ‘It’s always best to seek a qualified medical practitioner. It’s also pretty important to make sure that the patient is actually in need of a life saving operation before you go carving her up and sticking a tube in her throat. It’s also not advisable to perform surgery when you are pissed.’

Mr Knight’s comments came after the inquest heard evidence directly from the ‘patient.’ Speaking softly, the attractive, Ms Kirby said that Mr Belvedere, who had been drinking throughout the flight, had been ‘a bit too chatty’ and ‘bordering on the annoying.’ She described how she coughed slightly and reached for some water saying that she had something in throat. ‘The next think I know Mr Belvedere had picked me up and carried me to the back of the plane, he was demanding brandy from the cabin crew which he sloshed on my neck, I was frozen in fear, thank God I passed out, when I woke up I was in hospital, with real doctors, not that bloody clown.’

Mr Belvedere was arrested when he later turned up at the hospital, in a doctor’s coat, for what he called his ‘post-op rounds.’ It turns out he also has a number of convictions for indecent assaults on cattle, dating back to when he was a avid viewer of ‘All Creatures Great and Small.’