‘I had a list of things to do before I left – the usual, pour away the unused milk, switch-off the lights and TV, tidy all the newspapers,’ said Urzua. ‘But then I turned to Mario to check he’d put the bins out – last night’s jalfrezi was a proper honker – and I can’t remember if I switched the iron off. It was lying face-down on the ironing board as well – it could be so dangerous down there.’

Chilean President Sebastian Pinera held an emergency news conference during which he informed the assembled media that ‘whilst we cannot use the Plan B tunnel any longer because Luis Urzua is sure he double-locked it properly as he left – and he gave the door a good shake to make sure it was locked – we will continue drilling the Plan C shaft and in the next few weeks we hope to drop-down a probe which can detect slightly burnt linen. If we think it is still switched on, a rescue team of 12 fully trained cleaning ladies will be sent in a purpose-built pod. We are confident that we can reunite Florencio with his boxers by Christmas’.

Industry analysts have confirmed that the rescued men were in remarkably good health and spirits, despite being trapped underground for 70 days with the constant fear of death. However, some of the miners are having to be sedated in Copiapo hospital to prevent them from ‘just nipping back’ down the mine shaft to check they remembered their wallets, keys and heavy duty mining equipment.

‘It is now in God’s hands,’ said a tearful Urzua, ‘And if it is switched on I can expect a jolly good telling-off. I’m not sure I flushed the loo either.’

Self-emptying dishwasher still a way off

New data on irritation at day-to-day household tasks has shown that the benefits of modern living are being eaten away by chore inflation, with the prospect of changing a duvet cover now so tiresome that it no longer outweighs using scratchy and uncomfortable sheets and blankets.

‘Advances in technology were supposed to make things easier for people,’ said a chore inflation analyst, ‘but statistics show that Victorian housemaids using a dangerously hot and heavy metal clothes iron were happier than a 35-year-old man in 2009 trying to work out why his digital iron keeps beeping, and wondering why the bloody hell an iron needs to be digital anyway.’

‘Recycling was fun for a while, and with kids learning about it at school and being keen to put paper, glass, food waste, plastic and cans in the correct receptacles, it wasn’t possible to justify the creation of a separate department. But now all that stuff is just being left lying around along with everything else, a standalone Recycling Department with its own full Fairy has become an absolute necessity.’

This is the first time a deputy fairy has set up a new department since Dishwasher (Stacking and Emptying) broke away from Washing Up a decade ago. Many saw the creation of the new post as a political move by the Rubbish Fairy in his year as President of F8, but some feared that it might backfire, leaving the Rubbish Department dangerously small and vulnerable to takeover, with Recycling ironically the most likely suitor, but the Rubbish Fairy refused to comment.

In other moves, Clean Linen has been officially recognised as a separate division within Linen, leaving the Linen Fairy to focus on the issue of increasing quantities of dirty linen. Lobbying continues for the creation of a full Standby Fairy, who some speculate could take Tooth’s chair at the top table, but for now the responsibility for turning off appliances left on standby will remain with the Department of What You Lot Need is a Full Time Servant (WYLNFTS), along with drawer closing and toilet seat lowering.

In a surprise late announcement, Rubbish revealed it had poached the Sweet Papers and Vacuuming Deputy Fairies from WYLNFTS in a move it said would create natural synergies, leaving WYLNFTS potentially the most vulnerable if Standby does in due course break away as predicted.