Self-emptying dishwasher still a way off

New data on irritation at day-to-day household tasks has shown that the benefits of modern living are being eaten away by chore inflation, with the prospect of changing a duvet cover now so tiresome that it no longer outweighs using scratchy and uncomfortable sheets and blankets.

‘Advances in technology were supposed to make things easier for people,’ said a chore inflation analyst, ‘but statistics show that Victorian housemaids using a dangerously hot and heavy metal clothes iron were happier than a 35-year-old man in 2009 trying to work out why his digital iron keeps beeping, and wondering why the bloody hell an iron needs to be digital anyway.’

Afghan warlords come out of the study badly, but the Taliban are the worst, says report author Susan Davies, who found that while women compete equally with men on the battle-front, little has changed at home.

‘Attitudes have changed in some areas, but clearly not in others,’ she said. ‘Many Afghan men had no idea how to get blood-stains out of a robe. But some Taliban men seemed to think female blood was unclean.’

However, one Afghan warlord defended his domestic contribution, saying that helping in the kitchen is not really practical. ‘Every time I go in there, one of my older and less attractive wives has set herself on fire,’ he said.

(Cap doff to Oxbridge)