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Posts Tagged ‘Iain Duncan Smith’

Iain Duncan Smith to simplify all his cock-ups into one Universal Cock-Up

'unfit for purpose' now made more efficiently 'unfit for purpose'‘I am sick and tired of this constant culture of blame,’ he told reporters, ‘and it’s all YOUR fault.’

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Posted: Feb 15th, 2015
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Iain Duncan Smith to host primetime TV immigration quiz show

Fair, transparent and completely on scheduleThe contestants face a series of interrogations from both Duncan Smith and ‘The Wanker’, a mystery voice from the DWP who sneers derisively at their pleas on the end of a telephone line.

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Posted: Dec 22nd, 2014
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All benefits must be collected from top of mountain says Iain Duncan Smith

high benefitsPeople suffering from clinical depression will be allowed to forgo the mountain altogether and collect their benefits from the depths of an abyss.

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Posted: Nov 10th, 2014
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Benefit claimants pleased at prospect of zero-hour contracts

In what appears to be the perfect deal for those either unable or reluctant to work, the government plans to push claimants off benefits and into jobs they will not have to do. The rationale being that if people only have to work zero hours, they will have plenty of time to make money elsewhere.

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Posted: May 7th, 2014
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Fit-For-Work tests to be conducted by killer robot

you have 10 seconds to comply with this orderFollowing the departure of Atos, the Department for Work and Pensions has awarded the contract for conducting Work Capability Assessments to ‘Benefits Enforcement Droid’ model IDS-209.

The droid, manufactured by Omni Consumer Products, was originally intended for law enforcement and is armed with three auto cannons, one auto shotgun and a rocket launcher.

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Posted: Apr 30th, 2014
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