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Posts Tagged ‘Iain Duncan Smith’

All benefits must be collected from top of mountain says Iain Duncan Smith

high benefitsPeople suffering from clinical depression will be allowed to forgo the mountain altogether and collect their benefits from the depths of an abyss.

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Posted: Nov 10th, 2014
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Benefit claimants pleased at prospect of zero-hour contracts

In what appears to be the perfect deal for those either unable or reluctant to work, the government plans to push claimants off benefits and into jobs they will not have to do. The rationale being that if people only have to work zero hours, they will have plenty of time to make money elsewhere.

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Posted: May 7th, 2014
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Fit-For-Work tests to be conducted by killer robot

you have 10 seconds to comply with this orderFollowing the departure of Atos, the Department for Work and Pensions has awarded the contract for conducting Work Capability Assessments to ‘Benefits Enforcement Droid’ model IDS-209.

The droid, manufactured by Omni Consumer Products, was originally intended for law enforcement and is armed with three auto cannons, one auto shotgun and a rocket launcher.

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Posted: Apr 30th, 2014
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‘Stop taking photos of our food’ plead French chefs

A group of French chefs have criticised diners for taking photos of their food….24 hours after eating it.

Chef Aleandre Goutier complained that diners at his restaurant in Paris were taking snap-shots of last night’s food just moments after defecating.

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Posted: Feb 25th, 2014
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Stephen Hawking: ‘There are no Universal Credits’

‘Universal Credits exist only in the mind of IDS and have no place in the rational universe as we know it.’

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Posted: Jan 29th, 2014
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