The move, which is proving popular among the Italian electorate, means that he will no longer be influenced by the charms of beautiful up-and-coming young actresses and instead will focus all his charisma on desirable older European women of means, for the good of the nation.

‘The obvious choice is of course Germany,’ Berlusconi explained, ‘and I have made my intentions known to Angela Merkel, but so far without success. She says there isn’t enough beer in the world, let alone Germany, but at these desperate times I will just have to persist and know that she will succumb in the end, and that it will be worth about £2billion in Euros to pay our creditors, reduce burgeoning public spending deficits and retrench our economy back where it belongs in the 21st century, such will be the rapture that she will find at my hands.’

‘Luxembourg and Liechtenstein are of course also on the list,’ he added, ‘and my government has prepared a list of heiresses and bored bankers’ wives who, because of my status, will find me irresistible and will be willing to pay what is for them petty cash for my services, but which will fund a hundred jobs a time in hard pressed places like Genoa.’

Aides to Snr Berlusconi have prepared calling cards inviting readers to contact Sexy Silvio on a premium rate number in Rome accompanied by pictures of the Italian Prime Minister clearly winking at them in romantic holiday poses, and have left them in the European Parliament and other strategically important financial institutions across the Eurozone.

‘I am willing to do this,’ Berlusconi added, ‘but I’m doing this for Italy, and will get no pleasure for myself, you understand.’

But the biggest prize with the biggest potential return remains Christine Lagarde, head of the IMF, whom Snr Berlusconi has long had a soft spot for which he is confident can be easily cured with viagra. ‘What a woman,’ he said. ‘Powerful, intelligent and backed up by so many billions of Euros it makes my eyes water at the ecstacy I can give with a little pillow talk about fiscal stimulation, you know, and the rest will follow as night follows day. Of course, a woman isn’t a woman if she isn’t aroused by interesting proposals about taxation.’

But through everything Berlusconi remains nostalgic for the good old days. ‘If only Margaret Thatcher was still on the scene. She was the only one who ever really understood what is meant by good, hard, exciting application of financial services,’ he lamented. ‘But as far as Britain is concerned these days, all I can do is to make a pass at Michael Gove, and hope for the best.’

apepper

‘All in all, I have to say that I found my time at the Sofitel disappointing,’ wrote Strauss-Kahn under his preferred username, DSK. ‘The facilities were OK, but in my experience the staff were reluctant to please and prone to over-reaction. Also watch out for the language barrier – they sometimes say ‘No’ when actually they mean ‘Yes’.’

Strauss-Kahn also complained that law enforcement officers ignored the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on his door, that he was given very little time to check out and that there was loads of paperwork to complete on departure. He listed the one regret of his stay as ‘Not getting the time to take advantage of the hotel’s dry cleaning service.’

Although a regular user of Trip Advisor, not all Strauss-Kahn’s reviews are so negative. Only days after leaving the Sofitel he posted glowing feedback on a lavish New York townhouse. ‘For £50,000 a month and a $1m deposit up front, this is the perfect hideaway. It’s got state-of-the-art security, and although it’s right at the heart of the city’s bustling legal district, I haven’t once felt the need to go out.’

With time on his hands, Strauss-Kahn is now using Trip Advisor to look into longer-term accommodation similar to an off-shore facility he recently reviewed after spending a few days there. ‘For much of the time you are pretty much left to entertain yourself in your room, but there is access to the gym at certain times of the day (gets pretty busy). Staff can be a bit shouty, and the orange lounge robes need to be laundered more often IMHO. That said, it’s great value for money, and all your meals are thrown in, literally.’

By waylandsmithy, with hat-tips to ronseal, rickwestwell and Golgo13

The French boss was already due to face an enquiry today on charges of attempting to pass points to other managers. Evidence that he was in the driver’s seat several weeks ago is said to be compelling, since when he has contrived to transfer three points to other managers on a number of occasions, often quite blatantly.

The new charges centre around accusations of grooming a football team over a number of years during which he undermined its ability to defend itself. The result of his attentions was very attractive to look at but extremely fragile and vulnerable, inevitably leading to others taking advantage of them while Strauss-Huhne and his employers made large amounts of money.

In a statement, Mr Strauss-Huhne said he never saw anything.

‘There has been far too much in the newspapers about my own personal suffering and the incident itself.  The media need to shift the focus away from me as the victim of a horrible crime and spend a moment thinking about what this arrest does to the future of the IMF and the French Presidential race.  But no, as always in cases like this, all the focus is on the lowly rape victim, and the high powered celebrity offender gets completely forgotten.’

Following a full statement from the chambermaid, Strauss-Kahn also faces a lesser charge of filling up his toiletries bag with all the little bottles of shampoo from his hotel bathroom.

‘We had our suspicions that Al-Qaeda had fallen on hard times after our latest raid on a terrorist bomb factory in Bradford,’ explained an MI6 spokesman. ‘All we found was three boxes of unused sparklers left over from bonfire night and a couple of bags of party poppers. If you take into account the fact that Bin Laden has been struggling to make his video terror threats due to not being able to get hold of the cassettes required for the 1980′s Betamax home video system, I would conclude that they are more broke than Woolworths were this time two years ago’.

Conservative backbenchers were said to be supportive of Cameron’s assertion that the British Government would not be bailing out a bunch of terrorists, with one adding: ‘So I’m confused, are we bailing out the Irish or not?’

Basil_B

‘It’s not good enough to have to wait a day or two for a response from a trusted and reliable source,’ said CBI Director General Richard Lambert, ‘but now Mr King’s put himself right there in the frame, things should go a lot more smoothly. When Gordon tells us we’re actually doing really well, Mervyn will be there with a bundle of notes from the OECD and IMF and will be able to confidently put his hand up to his mouth and cough the word ‘Bullshit’.’

‘Alistair Darling could also receive help from time to time as he’s struggling a bit, isn’t he,’ added Mr Lambert. ‘His growth forecasts seem a tiny bit out, and he’s having so much trouble adding up the numbers that the spending review won’t be finished until after the next election, poor thing. At least he can take some comfort that Gordon still thinks he’s the right man for the job,’ he said, at which point Mervyn King walked past in the background and shouted ‘Bollocks!’.

The scheme will soon be extended to other government departments, to ensure clearer communication and to avoid misleading the public. And for those with hearing disabilities, experts in social policy will also be expected to mime behind the relevant minister. In future when a member of the government says their policy is a success, we can expect to see an independent expert behind him, miming putting a gun to his head and pulling the trigger, pretending to slash his wrists or acting out putting a noose around his head as he sticks his tongue out and rolls his eyes.

‘This is just the first step,’ said a spokesman. ‘We’ve got a fete lined up, followed by a sponsored walk, a bring-and-buy sale, and an international five-trillion-bob-a-job week. The fete’s going to be great – there’s a ‘Soak the Pontiff’ stall. Where else could you throw a wet sponge at the Pope and help rescue global capitalism?’

Politicians were divided on whether the new IMF strategy, described as ‘back to basics fundraising’, would work. ‘The 2008 World Bank Bazaar was a complete fiasco’ said the French Ambassador to the United Nations. ‘Mr Brown’s marmalade stall made just 40 euros, and Mrs Merkel fell out with the South Koreans over who made the better hot dogs. It’s just not worth it.’

Other world leaders complained about the cost of the thermometer, built by Haliburton inc. at just over $1,000,000 per foot. ‘Perhaps we didn’t need this structure to withstand a direct hit from a Boeing 747,’ said the spokesman, ‘but it should last us until the next world depression in 2080’

As of last night the thermometer total stood at $1.50, donated by a Mr Mugabe of Zimbabwe.