Microsoft has already dubbed Apple’s effort the ‘ka-ching’ and has countered with a Tarot-based device. Meanwhile, Google are said to be working on a Ouija tablet, the result of a collaboration between Edison, Einstein and Isaac Newton.

But pundits believe the rivals will struggle to lure followers away from Android, who recently released a small bag of tiny stones with predictive text. As TechRadar observed, ‘these new open-source rune-stones really can be described as ‘iconic’.’

Quaz and The All New Jeni B

The traditional model of obtaining wisdom was a three stage largely manual process that involved huge investment of time and energy. It involved book reading, followed by word of mouth references, recommendations from friends and counsel with a bloke in the pub who knows everything. But the really crazy bit came next, when this heresay data was cross referenced with a period of personal experience.

‘What a palava,’ says Spencer. ‘These days, you can consult your iPad and get instant wisdom.’

‘It makes complete sense,’ says market analyst Rodney Wiles. ‘Steve Jobs has long been an admirer of Discount Furniture cool and he likes to relax with Jonathan Ive on a DFS 3 seater double manual recliner in brown leather.’

An Apple insider said the company was planning to combine ‘DFS cool with Apple magic. ‘The future is in sofas, not mobile devices.’   Apple is also looking at buying shares in Sofaland and World of Leather, which it sees as natural partners in the world of hi-tech cool.

‘I can’t wait to get my arse on an iSofa,’  said a man sitting on a DFS three seater brown leather double manual recliner, priced at £1500 with two years free credit and free delivery, in the queue outside the Oxford Street Apple Store.

Sticking with their approach of using a close up of the phone being operated the advert begins with the voiceover stating in a smug tone ‘if you don’t have an iphone, you don’t have an ipod in your phone. All your mates are laughing at you. If you don’t have an iphone, people you don’t even know will come up to you in the street and laugh in your face. Then spit on you. If you don’t have an iphone, well, you’ll be about as socially acceptable as a fucking leper. So buy one today and stop being a loser.’

In the face of scathing criticism from the ASA that their new campaign was about as subtle as a sledgehammer, an Apple spokesman responded by claiming ‘the ad has only been banned out of jealousy, probably by somebody who doesn’t have an iphone.’.

China was announced plans to defriend Google on Facebook after Google said it didn’t like hanging with China and doing shit because it was like too clingy and kept telling Google what to do ‘n shit, so Google started hanging with Taiwan who was way cooler than China because it had shit like Cheryl Cole on its iPod instead of all that old Mao what’s-his-name shit and who cares about all that old communist shit.

Although Google has said it wanted to hang with China and Taiwan and they could all go online and play some games, it appears Taiwan didn’t want to play Collectivised Farmville. Now China don’t want to hear nothing about Google because its been going round saying China’s a slut innit, when everyone knows Taiwan’s the slut and Google is well gay.

the sheriff

Launching the product, Apple CEO Steve Jobs surprised the audience after walking on stage with the tell-tale white headphone cord clearly disappearing into his rectum. He then demonstrated how users could change tracks and adjust volume by clenching or flexing their buttocks in a series of easy-to-learn moves. ‘Just tense the right buttock for volume, and left to change the track’ he explained, his eyes watering slightly. ‘Staff at your local Apple Store will be happy to insert the product for you and provide any necessary aftercare. Once inserted, the device need never be removed – you can plug in the headphones or charger with only moderate discomfort.’

Apple stores up and down the country were packed with eager buyers, with the lucky few ambling out again with the telltale wider gait which has already been nicknamed the I-pod ‘shuffle’.

One early user complained that the controls on the new product made jogging with the device impossible. ‘Every time I took a step the track changed’ he complained. In response an Apple spokesman confirmed that users may need to adopt a wider stance while walking, running or sitting to avoid this.

Other reviews criticised the new product’s sharp edges and tendency to cause anal bleeding. But one veteran critic was unsurprised, claimed that Apple’s products ‘had always been a bleeding pain in the arse’.

At this point many of the assembled journalists and technology correspondants squinted and then suddenly gasped in admiration at the beauty and design of the new Apple product, agreeing that it was definitely worth the $2,999 price tag. ‘Anyone with any taste or appreciation of computer design can see that this is the best product on the market’.

When one reporter asked what exactly the iNvisible iBook could do, Jobs simply replied ‘See for yourself!’ and the reporters gasped at the many varied functions of the machine and the speed with which it accomplished them. The only blip in the presentation was a slight disturbance at the back of the hall when a small boy shouted out ‘There’s nothing in his hand!’ but he was quickly removed by security.

In a later statement Jobs explained that the boy had been a long way back and had poor vision, hence his inability to see the new iNvisible iBook. For his second media appearance of the day, Jobs was wearing Apple’s new super-cool range of clothing to go with the iNvisible iBook.

Deidre Ainsworth, head of the Isle of Wight Development Agency, still believes that the island can become what he calls the ‘Wight Tiger’ to rival the Pacific Rim economies or India and China, but she has been criticized for giving grants to overwhelmed pensioner groups, assuring them that they could help make the Isle of Wight the digital powerhouse of the West.

‘Sure the closure of the island’s only iPod factory is a blow. People are saying I shouldn’t have set up an advanced micro-technology plant in an old people’s home. Well, of course it’s very easy to say that now.’

In global terms the electronic assembly plant was a small concern, with one iPod being put together every couple of weeks in a former post office. The Isle of Wight’s business start up grants have more traditionally been for Bed and Breakfasts, Teas Rooms and Gift Shops but Deidre Ainsworth believed the island needed to move with the times; ‘Japan is an island and look what they achieved making radios and suchlike after the war.’

However the experiment suggests that the Isle of Wight’s population may not have the skill sets required for cutting edge technology development. ‘All our residents are retired folk who struggle with all this advanced digital business’ said day-care nurse Jennifer Carter, at the Shanklin Sea View retirement home where the doomed iPod factory was located. ‘They can’t read the tiny instruction booklets even with their glasses. They want to play carpet bowls, drink tea and have an afternoon nap, they don’t want to be assembling iPods at their age.’

Deidre Ainsworth however is undeterred. ‘I believe the Isle of Wight could be the new Vegas.’ Pole dancing auditions start on Monday.

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