The news written by you…

Posts Tagged ‘Islamic State’

IS planning lolcats response to the Investigatory Powers Bill

British intelligence agencies are bracing themselves tonight after revelations that terrorist groups are planning to combat the new Investigatory Powers Bill with bulk trite social media posts. An insider warned that ‘Cat videos and macaroni cheese recipes will be used indiscriminately to demoralise and dishearten the infidel analysts.’

Under-resourced spymasters are furious that the Bill does not allow them to launch smart-missiles at anyone posting an Internet link to ‘That trick doctors don’t want YOU to know.’ Looking haggard and waspish, Ms Kristina DeVille from GCHQ said ‘No-one understands the stress my operators are under having to sift through tons of tedious crap only to hit a link about ‘One Weird Tip to Melt Belly Fat’, which can then cause their heads to explode. And if I have to read one more INT report about mawkish videos with the words ‘you will not BELIEVE what happens next…’, I will not be answerable for my actions.’

Read more >

Posted: Nov 5th, 2015
More from UK News

IS adopts chocolate money as national currency

Without a functioning national mint, IS has implemented a monetary system largely based on gold foil-wrapped milk chocolate coins brought by British jihadists when they headed off to the scorched deserts of Iraq rather than endure another Christmas in the UK.

Read more >

Posted: Jul 12th, 2015
More from News In Brief

Islamic State to be referred to as ‘The Artist Formerly Known as IS’

David Cameron has insisted that all terrorist organisations will no longer be permitted to release material under their previous stage names. He has instructed the BBC to never refer to Islamic State directly and to return to calling the Royal Mail ‘Consignia’.

Read more >

Posted: Jul 8th, 2015
More from News In Brief

Friends of missing Luton family ‘dreading the Christmas newsletter’

Friends and relatives of the family who have joined Islamic State after disappearing in May, say they expect this year’s Christmas newsletter to ‘even more insufferably smug and tedious than usual, if that’s possible.’

The twelve-strong Mannan family from Luton have not been seen since they visited their home nation of Bangladesh earlier this year. Now those close to the Mannans fear the worst: a lengthy mass-mailed screed of anti-Western hatred, mixed with interminable details of their educational and career highlights over the last twelve months.

Read more >

Posted: Jul 6th, 2015
More from Faith

4×4 owners to be deployed against Islamic State

‘If I’d known I was signing up for military service I’d have bought an ordinary car’, said Fiona Jenkins (33), who uses her Suzuki Jimny to ferry the children to school. ‘I just thought it would be good in icy weather and if, you know, I needed to mount the curb. Turns out that ownership of a 4 x 4 is a form of military covenant and you automatically join the Army Reserve.’

Read more >

Posted: May 5th, 2015
More from News In Brief