‘Until recently I thought voice messages were something only mediums or schizophrenics experienced,’ said Donald Brown of Ventor. ‘It would be quite handy if some public-spirited journalist was picking up my messages for me then printing them in large type in a newspaper. I’d never miss a message again.’

‘I don’t why they wouldn’t be interested in my messages, though,’ he added. ‘I’ve already received two this month: one from Mrs Wickes who misdialled the number for the taxi firm, and some very juicy gossip from my cousin over in Cowes about her neighbour’s soft furnishings.’

Having mastered the concept of voice messages, Mr Brown is now experimenting with social networking by attending church coffee mornings.

thesnug

‘T-Day is upon us,’ town crier and sartorial policy maker Marvin Burridge told a torch-bearing mob. ‘Failure to change over in a timely manner will result in a noticeable degradation in your street-cred. To put it simply you might not be able to receive all the compliments about your fashion sense that you are used to.’

Critics have accused the authorities of acting too quickly, arguing that the island’s two-legged heritage is at stake. ‘The elderly and vulnerable have not been given enough time and information,’ claimed one anti-switch campaigner. ‘Some folks are still doddering around in their demob suits – to them the sight of a person wearing a stonewashed jeans and a T-shirt under their jacket is enough to cause severe palpitations at the very least.’ With this in mind, the council has also pledged to listen to local concerns and have pledged to stop short at introducing day-glo socks, while mullets will be optional.

‘Our centre offers the perfect place to keep the island’s key demographic occupied,’ said founder, Margret Briscoe, ‘and is ideally situated just a short bus ride from Sandown’s glamorous benches, bingo halls and fracture clinic. And for grandchildren, it’s great to be able just to switch off for a few moments safe in the knowledge that their doddery relatives won’t come to any harm in the blanket pit.’

Attractions at CodgerWorld include theme park favourites such as the Tea Cup ride, where pensioners are seated at tables and challenged to get more tea in their mouth than in their saucer, and the Dodgems, where drivers must guide their mobility scooters around a pedestrianized track and avoid potentially fatal crashes at speeds of up to 2mph. There is also a chill-out zone where overexcited geriatrics can relax in comfy chairs in front of re-runs of Countdown, and the temperature throughout the park has been set to a pleasant 27 degrees, allowing some elderly visitors to undo their duffel coats in the summer months.

Although the centre has received a positive response from most visitors, Mrs Briscoe admits that there have been some problems. ‘Queuing is an issue as it can take a little while for each visitor to get up the giant slide, but we just can’t get the stairlifts to go any faster. Luckily most pensioners think the queues themselves are one of the rides, but for those who really don’t have the time to waste, we have express ‘Eight years to live or fewer’ queues.’

‘I haven’t had so much fun since last week’s bridge night,’ said satisfied customer, 85-year-old Ethel Crosby, proudly wearing her I-Can’t-Remember-What-I-Came-Into-CodgerWorld-For badge. ‘Fracturing my hip on the aerial runway was a low point, but thankfully they sold replacements in the gift shop. Mind you, I wish I’d picked up some incontinence pads before I went on the trampolines.’

jp1885 and Qorbeq

‘They’ve been caterwauling about how much they like the stuff ,’  said Walsh. ‘Now I hear they won’t go until they get some. Well, they’ll have a jolly long wait, that’s all I can say. We didn’t bow the knee to Hitler over this kind of thing and I’ll be dashed if I’m going to let these blighters get away with it.’

‘We will be assessing the size of individual’s man boobs – known as ‘moobs’ within medical circles – for size and weight.’ explained head warden Martin Adams. ‘Wardens have been given special powers to stop male sunbathers and check their moobs with custom-made measuring devices such as weighing scales and callipers. Anyone whose measurements do not meet fall within acceptable Man Boob Index (MBI) parameters will be fined and asked to put on a t-shirt.’

This new initiative has been hailed by council officials as the latest in a series of schemes to enhance the island’s image, including a ban on children’s sandcastles in favour of sand-sculpting arts festivals, the bulldozing of any caravans that do not have en-suite bathroom facilities and the compulsory re-branding of all fish ‘n’ chip shops into Rick Stein seafood franchises.

In true British spirit however, many holidaymakers have already begun to find ways around the ban with the aid of local entrepreneurs. Bucket and spade stalls at Seagrove Beach are reported to be doing a roaring trade in see-through plastic t-shirts for example. Meanwhile one sun-worshipper in Gurnard maintains that imprecise wording in the legislative documentation leaves the rules open to interpretation, allowing for plenty of scope for overweight men wishing to get a tan. ‘It don’t say nothin’ ’bout goin’ bottomless does it?’

The silence was called in honour of the island’s tortoise mascot Boris, whose life was tragically cut short when he fell into a bowl of freshly made jelly. According to Arnold Lawrence, a recently retired gas-lamp lighter from Ventnor, Boris had made a lasting impression on residents, filling them with a drive and enthusiasm that can still be seen today.

Mourners came from all over the island to pay their respects as Boris lay in an open shoe box.  ‘At the time those queues went all around the church.’ said local historian Clive Morgan, ‘and with a bit of luck the last of them should be trooping by any minute now.’

Edward Hack

Brochures have been sent that illustrate the many hotels and guest houses that can be used for the inspection teams’ accommodation, as well as may places of interest locally. Families are well catered for, so weapons inspectors need not be away from loved ones, he added.

Virtually Will

Was at school with Menzies Campbell

Still fuming about the Jacobite uprising, Isle of Wight residents are expected to return George Fox to his traditional Parliamentary seat on Thursday for the 52nd consecutive general election. Mr Fox has been representing the island since 1715, despite dying shortly after Christmas in 1762.

‘We’ve never had cause to complain about his behaviour, at least not in living memory,’ said Maude Fettle, local party member and part-time nurse at the Ryde Typhus Clinic. ‘We are proud to boast that his expenses claims in 2009 amounted to little more than £240 for such essentials as a new morning suit and a couple of fresh bottles of formaldehyde.’

Experts admit that the struggle for the opposition parties to gain a foothold among the island’s 147 registered voters has not been helped by their campaigning on a platform of change.

By Amoeba