Israel, with full backing from the United States has warned of reprisals if its position as top green energy provider in the region is undermined. Prime Minister Netenyahu has already ratcheted up the pressure threatening pre-emptive programmes of gigantic arrays of solar panels which automatically follow the sun but which, he assured assembled media, would at certain times of the day be pointing directly at Tehran. He also refused to rule out building a high wall or fast-growing hedge around Israel’s borders to obscure the worst of the view and keep out the noise.

Experts believe the Iranian turbines if allowed to run as intended could produce in excess of 80KWh, a fraction of the energy unleashed in an entirey unrelated incident at Hiroshima. The hard-line Iranian regime, however, insists its wind energy programme is purely for the benefit of the Iranian people and is essential if it is to meet its target of twenty percent of energy production from renewables by the end of 2030. It also dismissed as ‘Zionist nonsense’ the idea that wind power could be switched on in less than forty five minutes, or that Tel Aviv would be kept awake by the incessant hum.

Yet many analysts believe the global condemnation will make little difference and that the prospect of a world in which an Islamic turbine operates at two hundred revolutions per minute within 150 miles of the Jewish state is now a foregone conclusion. Western governments have already begun blacklisting the Iranian central bank in a bid to halt funding for the project although the turbines’ German manufacturer has been allowed to continue contact as it has a lovely little computer virus which it is sure will allow the turbines to spin so fast that they come off their axles.

Ali Al Chakrabati, a spokesman for the Iranian regime last night hit back at the sanctions saying none of this would have happened if Israel hadn’t erected a great big mobile phone mast next to the Gaza Strip. ‘This is an argument that we do not want but if they want to pursue it who knows where it will end,’ he said. ‘We’ll talk about it, try and find a solution, and if all that fails and it starts getting personal, we’ll lob some nuclear missiles at them. We already have plenty of those.’

Sources close to Mr Brown are claiming that he and Mr Blair reached a deal in 2006 that Mr Blair would move on after four or five years, handing over to his former Chancellor. But Mr Blair’s aides deny that such an agreement would ever have been struck. ‘There’s no way Tony could have reached such a deal,’ said a spokesman. ‘You only have to look at how little he’s managed to achieve between Israel and Palestine to see that there’s still not a snowball’s chance in hell of agreeing to anything with Gordon.’

Diplomats and officials across the region and in Western capitals were scrambling to relieve tensions after Mr Brown’s comments were overheard while he was making a phone call from the back of his car. ‘It’s that Sue’s fault,’ said Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu. ‘When is she going to remember to turn his bloody microphone off, the silly cow?’

Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas, meanwhile, was more sanguine. ‘Maybe Gordon Brown wouldn’t be all that bad,’ he said. ‘We were worried that John Prescott would be next – he stood in for Tony for a week last summer and ended up causing two Intifadas and punching the prime minister of Lebanon in the face. I’d rather have a mobile phone thrown at me than go through all that again.’

See also: Brown wants to be middle East envoy

‘Some people were still undecided right up until the broadcast,’ tweeted the foreign minister of Jordan, ‘but after using TV to put his message across the president can only be seen, clearly, as being way way way out of touch. LOL!’

Hillary Clinton said in fewer than 140 characters that the situation was of ‘grave concern’ and urged ‘restraint on both sides’, before adding the hashtag #givepeaceachance. A further tweet from the State Department suggested that Mubarak ‘should really get himself an iPhone and learn how to use his thumbs’.

Foreign correspondents in Cairo frantically cut their reports down to the bare minimum before broadcasting them, and their use of emoticons throughout the day graphically portrayed the deteriorating mood of the demonstrators.

Taking a cautious approach so as not to entirely align himself with the views of the dissidents, Barack Obama opted at this stage to make comments on the slightly less influential YouTube, but hasn’t ruled out making a terse 140 character statement at some point if it appears to be in American interests, as confirmed in a tweet (via his iPad) by White House spokesman Robert Gibbs.

UK Prime Minster David Cameron meanwhile appears to have come out on the side of the beleaguered President, stating that the only place for violent civil action against military forces in a modern state is on the trickier levels of Angry Birds.

Mubarak has few options left, particularly now that the army has expressed its reluctance to intervene as several key generals are still sulking that state of emergency measures have meant they can no longer get a decent signal. A few loyal senior aides are still hopeful that a deal could be struck with the opposition, however, and believe that allowing the extraordinarily rendered to give real-time updates on their progress through the country’s jails could possibly buy some breathing space.

But time is pressing on the President and the demonstrators are adamantly refusing to back down. ‘For heaven’s sake,’ tweeted “Abdul72″ from Luxor, ‘how on earth can any country respect a President who still has a page on MySpace?!’.

‘The Death Star will be used for entirely peaceful purposes,’ he told journalists at a specially convened press conference, ‘The state of Israel – which will be within range in under five hours – has absolutely no reason to worry about our new novelty paperweight.’

The UN has reacted to the Death Star’s unveiling by sending its top man to ascertain the threat that such a monstrosity poses. ‘I intend to perform a thorough inspection,’ declared weapons inspector Hans Solo, ‘and I pledge to work alongside the UK’s newly-appointed special envoy to the region, Prescott the Hutt, despite the unfortunate matter of a few gambling debts.’

Surprisingly other nations have greeted the news with a calm level-headedness. From Washington, the US state department said that it saw no ‘proliferation risk’ from the planetoid, although it is rumoured that the Pentagon is planning on resurrecting an anti-missile strategy started in the 1980s by President Reagan. The UK also said that it had ‘always respected’ Iran’s right to a giant planet-killing space station – provided it was used purely for civilian purposes.

However Israel has condemned the move: ‘It is totally unacceptable that a country that so blatantly violates international treaties should enjoy the fruits of using nuclear energy in such a way,’ its Foreign Ministry said in a statement, before reminding Iran of the consequences of any action against Israel. ‘Remember – if you strike us down, we shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.’

With tensions in the area now reaching boiling point, many observers are drawing parallels with the Iraq war, which began following so-called intelligence that Saddam Hussein was actively building an Imperial class Star Destroyer. According to the diplomatic editor of The Times, world leaders should remember the words of weapons expert David Kelly, who later tragically committed suicide in a giant garbage compactor: ‘Those who refuse to learn from history are condemned to repeat it in a vastly inferior series of prequels.’

Insomnia, jp1885 and rickwestwell

A furious Mr Ford brushed aside historical claim and counter claim, following his opening question: ‘OK, who started it?’  The Israeli PM looked at the floor when shown pictures of  bomb-scarred streets in Gaza City and asked ‘How would you like it if somebody did that to your home?’  Meanwhile Mr Haniyey nodded assent  that suicide bomb attacks on innocent civilians were ‘not big or clever’.

After an afternoon of  ‘constructive monologe’, both parties agreed to turn over a new leaf, followed by a final reprimand from Mr Ford: ‘You two are your own worst enemies; you’ve let the Roadmap down, you’ve let the Middle East down, but worst of all, you’ve let yourselves down. Now shake hands. Go on…’

‘When an enemy tank comes rumbling through your front garden during granny’s 90th birthday party, it can be kind of annoying,’ said one householder, ‘but as soon as I saw that the driver was a parent of an infant I completely forgave them. If they have a baby on board, then clearly they have the right to do whatever they want.’

Israeli Army boffins are believed to have experimented with several types of vehicle notices, including zany bumper stickers such as ‘Mafia Staff Car – keepa da hands off’ and ‘Kevin and Tracey’ windscreen letters. World opinion has also been mollified by providing all Israeli army vehicles with stickers saying ‘How’s my invading?’ with a hot-line number to report any armies crossing into Gaza in an over-aggressive or discourteous manner.

Meanwhile Israeli rocket launchers continued to pound Palestinian positions in Gaza, while a guerrilla war continues in the occupied territory. Gazans are feeling increasingly helpless against the new Israeli tactics. ‘We were about to let off a roadside mine’ said one Arab youth, ‘when we saw the sticker on their troop carrier. ‘Caution; Show Dogs In Transit.’ World opinion would never have stood for it.’

Stoopy de Gunt

‘To be honest, we’re as surprised as everyone else,’ confessed a modest Lee Turner today. ‘Things didn’t seem quite right when I woke without a headache, but when I turned on the TV and saw the Israelis and Palestinians holding hands on the streets of Jerusalem, I clocked that something was up.’ Pub regular Janet Goulding was equally bemused. ‘I’ve been woken early by the postman before,’ she said, ‘but never with a telegram from the UN saying ‘Thanks for sorting everything out’.’

In addition to solving the conflicts in the Middle East and much of Africa, the friends also identified major new sources of renewable energy, restored confidence in the global economy, introduced democracy to China, Zimbabwe and North Korea and worked out the best living conditions for polar bears since the end of the last glacial period. But the pub regulars were at a loss to explain exactly how they had righted the world’s wrongs. ‘I remember one of the lads saying ‘Yeah, definitely, that’s what they oughta do.’ said stalwart Jim Portman. ‘And everyone else saying, ‘Yeah but will they take any notice of us?’ But lo and behold; they did…’

‘One of the lads had some strong feelings ideas about corporate responsibility,’ recalled another of the drinkers, ‘and a couple of the girls thought everything would be better if people simply tried a bit harder to get along, but I’d never have guessed we’d hit the nail right on the head. I suppose the sixth pint probably had a key role to play in the formulation of complex resolutions to seemingly intractable problems.’ The friends said that they now wanted to be left to get on with their lives and were hopeful of some boom years ahead for the town’s manufacturing sector ‘and a strong challenge by Runcorn Linnets FC for next season’s premiership title’.

The UN’s world leaders exchange programme gets underway today with the Israeli Prime Minister and the President of the Palestinian National Authority (PNA) beginning a two-week job-swap. The scheme is intended to promote greater understanding and co-operation between nations, and it is hoped the first role reversal will lead to a lasting peace in the Middle East.

Under the rules of the exchange, Ehud Olmert and Mahmoud Abbas must for the first week follow the policies already laid down by their opposite number. However, at the midway point of the swap each will take sole charge of their adoptive government and introduce their own policies in a twist that the UN is dubbing ’regime change’.

‘I’m really looking forward to it,’ said Israeli Prime Minister Olmert today. ‘It’ll be nice just to hang out with the Palestinians for a while and see how they operate. I’m hoping they’ll come to understand that if all the people in the West Bank just budged up a little, then that would really make life more comfortable for us Israelis. Plus I’m told that the Gaza Strip is one of the best places on the planet to launch rockets from, so I’m really looking forward to that.’

PNA President Mahmoud Abbas was also in positive spirits. ‘I’ve got relatives in the building trade, and they’re really jealous that I’ll get to put up some settlements in the West Bank without having to worry about formalities like planning permission. But top of the to-do list for week two is definitely the transfer of the deeds to East Jerusalem and the Golan Heights into Palestinian hands. Should be good.’

Assuming the inaugural exchange is a success, the UN has a number of further job swaps lined up. Hugo Chavez is pencilled in to trade places with staid German premier Angela Merkel in January, while Gordon Brown is due to swap with Afghan leader Hamid Karzai in March. It is anticipated that Brown’s experience in reining in rebellious Labour backbenchers will stand him in good stead for trying to reconcile the warring Afghan tribes. Meanwhile, as part of its potential future leaders scheme, the UN has confirmed that Conservative Party leader David Cameron will spend the 2009 parliamentary season on loan at Plymouth Argyle.