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Posts Tagged ‘Jeremy Hunt’

NHS to become online-only

Health Minister Jeremy Hunt has calculated that the NHS could save billions if it operated as a computer model, like the Matrix, instead of as a real-world service trying to treat sick people in 3D.

‘What we’re seeing is errors, cock-ups really,’ said Hunt. ‘And they’re costing the NHS billions. We contemplated a poster campaign saying something like ‘Stop Making Mistakes, You Muppets’, but then somebody pointed out that posters with patronising messages would just make people hate me even more. And what good did a poster ever do, really? It’s a stupid idea. Probably one of Andrew Lansley’s, actually.

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Posted: Oct 18th, 2014
More from Health



Teachers say MPs should commit to their profession by taking a ‘Hypocritic Oath’

Teachers around the country have voted in favour of getting MPs to take a ‘hypocritic oath’ in the hope that it would make them ‘try harder in future’ to keep standards of hypocrisy at a level in line with public expectations.

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Posted: Oct 13th, 2014
More from News In Brief



Government vows to recapture information

Householders have been warned to ‘stay indoors and keep away from the internet’ by government experts worried about the dangers of information. Considerable amounts of information have escaped since the Freedom of Information Act came into law and much of it is potentially hazardous to the general public.

‘It isn’t always safe to let information roam free,’ said a Home Office spokesman. ‘The British people haven’t really developed much of an immune system where government information is concerned. This sort of thing may work in America, which has been governed by oiks for centuries, but the British have always shown proper deference.’

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Posted: Sep 21st, 2014
More from Politics



Jeremy Hunt trials new hi-tech ‘contactless’ NHS

Fed up with having to deal with inefficient and often sick NHS workers, the UK Health Secretary has introduced a trial of ‘contactless healthcare’, which does away entirely with the need for any physical presence. Just like an oyster card, your new NHS care card can be topped up with platitudes and sound bites ready to be deployed at any time you feel a touch of one-day flu coming on.

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Posted: Mar 4th, 2014
More from News In Brief



‘The Sniffles’ to be eradicated by 2035, Hunt vows

The government is promising positive action against The Sniffles, a condition said by the WHO to be endemic in the UK, and now aims to eradicate it by 2035. ‘For too long, people have had to put up with sounding like Nina Simone for up to three days,” said Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt.

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Posted: Jan 15th, 2014
More from News In Brief