Hasan al-Khalil, Director of Martyr Recruitment at the Islamist terror group, admitted that staffing levels were an issue. ‘We are a highly professional organisation and we won’t send out missions if we are not confident that we can get the right mix of nihilistic rage, externalised sexual inadequacy and stupidity needed to complete them to the high standards we expect,’ he said.

In recent weeks, al-Qaeda has increasingly found its young zealots unwilling to train on Saturday evenings, let alone die in agony in a blazing fireball. Contrived excuses, such as ‘I’ve got a cold’, ‘My uncle died’ and ‘I just wanted to see if Anton has put his back out lifting Ann Widdecombe yet’, have become the bane of its leaders’ lives.

‘You can’t volunteer to die for the glory of God then put conditions on it,’ said al-Khalili. ‘We even had one young Egyptian recently who said he’d only drive a carload of bombs into Downing Street if Aliona Vilani could be one of his 72 virgins in paradise. I tried to tell him gently, look she’s a 25-year-old Russian woman, it’s not very likely … he ran off in tears and we never saw him again.’

Al-Qaeda has stressed, however, that this is only a tactical move and that it remains fully committed to destroying the West. ‘We shall return fiercer than ever in the New Year, insh’Allah, to bring terror to the decadent crusaders,’ vowed al-Khalili. ‘God is great! God is great! God is great! Unlike Wagner, who is shit.’

The videos show Coyote ordering and using a number of improvised weapons systems at his desert hideout, many of which clearly bear the “Acme” brand name.

Coyote’s main target has been identified only by the code name “Roadrunner”, but his use of other code names such as “Accelleratii Incredibus” has hampered investigations.

A wider inquiry will also probe how Coyote was able to obtain rocket launchers, grenades, explosives and anvils from other unknown suppliers by mail-order with such ease.

Iqbal Ibrahim, a newly recruited member of an Al-Qaeda-linked group in Baghdad, was reported to be thrilled to have been selected to fulfill his dream of participating in the Jihad against Western troops in the country, but was a little disappointed that his first assignment – driving a car loaded with explosives into the wall of the Green Zone – might not be making the best use of his skills and abilities.

‘Don’t get me wrong,’ said 21-year-old insurgent from his family home in the Baghdad surburbs, ‘I’d do anything to have the American invaders out of our country to create a true Islamic state in Iraq, and I’m delighted that the bosses want to give me so much responsibility so quickly…but I had been hoping for something in more of a supervisory capacity, so to speak.’

Ibrahim has now requested a meeting with the terror cell’s leader to present some of his proposals for expanding the group and its international profile, with him in the role of ‘an ideas man’ responsible for ‘long-term strategic thinking’. He also plans to highlight his powerpoint skills and a media studies qualification, which he considers could be used to help the group communicate more effectively through its broadcast messages and video-recorded beheadings.

And in spite of his apparent reluctance to participate in the suicide attack, and rumours that he’s under pressure from a fiancée angry at the prospect of his receiving 72 virgins, the young fundamentalist was adamant that the proposed strike should go ahead.

‘It’s not that I don’t think this mission, which will see another blessed Jihadi blown to smithereens to further our cause, is unimportant,’ he insisted, ‘but others may be better suited for this particular holy role. I have a cousin who, even when we were children together, would be dedicated to identifying any possible little breach of scripture and would give me a well-deserved Chinese burn to help me remember each transgression. That kind of devotion to Islam deserves an opportunity like this. I happen to have his mobile number right here.’

Red Squirrels are now almost completely extinct in England, barring a few isolated off-shore colonies in islands such as Anglesey and the Isle of Man. But finally the red squirrels are leading a fight back. Rodent intelligence sources suggest they are planning a three pronged attack on the British mainland, eventually linking up with reds in the Scottish highlands, then to march south and confront the grey squirrels in large numbers.

However the invasion plans have met with the early hitch in that the Isle of Wight squirrels are unable to cross the Solent, and the reds have now appealed to Britain’s human population to supply little boats and acorn-sized grenades.

The squirrels are particularly hoping for support from their human ‘ginger brothers’ who ‘know all about persecution’ to join their ranks for the big counter-offensive. However, the British government seems unwilling to become dragged into another messy sectarian war, particularly against American squirrels. ‘If they were Islamic squirrels, it might be different.’

Davster