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Posts Tagged ‘Joseph’

Operation Yewtree unearths historic abuse of a beloved ‘immaculate’ celebrity

Operation Yewtree has opened an investigation into remarkable claims that an underage Nazareth girl was the victim of historic child abuse.

According to some highly questionable accounts written by an anonymous doctor going by the name of Luke, the girl who is referred to only as Mary was taken advantage of by an almighty intruder who somehow managed to gain entry to her home without her parents’ knowledge. The as yet unauthenticated document seems to suggest events in which the mysterious assailant proceeded to ply the innocent Mary with holy spirit. He then asserted his divine will before finally impregnating her without leaving a single seed of evidence.

The perpetrating procreator is widely believed to be an elderly, but exceptionally potent, bearded man who seeks to control the vulnerable and irrational by using a combination of guilt psychology, threats of fiery damnation and promises of eternal milk and honey.

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Posted: Aug 24th, 2014
More from Faith

Drugs mules ‘infiltrating nativity plays’

asses could be wiped outThe scene in the junior boys toilets at Chesham Primary was shocking. ‘It was drug paraphernalia all right,’ said teacher Patricia Smythe, ‘but on a bizarrely large scale…’

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Posted: Dec 22nd, 2013
More from UK News

Shepherds complain after missing out in Bethlehem Secret Santa draw yet again

'Glad tidings my arse!'‘All we are asking for is a fair draw for the presents,’ continued the shepherd. ‘It’s the same story every year. We wrap up a lamb, struggle down the green hillside to visit the baby and stick our secret Santa present under the manger. But invariably we end up leaving with nothing other than some cow crap on our Jesus sandals.’

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Posted: Dec 25th, 2011
More from World News

Angel Gabriel to fight extradition over sexual assault claims

A heavenly envoy of the Lord God Almighty has vowed to fight his proposed extradition to Israel to face trial for an alleged sexual assault dating back to 1 BC.

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Posted: Dec 18th, 2010
More from News In Brief

Latest Dead Sea Scroll fragments ‘just classified ads’

experts were expecting something a bit more spiritualTexts tell us less about religious doctrine, and more about the second-hand trading market.

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Posted: Oct 24th, 2010
More from Features