‘There were other candidates for the judging and mentoring role,’ said Simon Cowell today, ‘but in the end I decided to take a group of body parts that had auditioned independently and throw them together to create a judge. Sadly, though, the many parts of Paula just couldn’t get along. I think it was the age differences that were the problem – the nose was only three years old, whereas some other parts of her face are as old as 49.’

In a statement Paula Abdul’s nose said it had been a lifelong dream to be part of the X-Factor ever since it was just a twinkle in a plastic surgeon’s eye. ‘But as a fan of the show, I had no idea how hard it would be to be constantly in the spotlight – nor how hot. I nearly melted. In the end I had to make the difficult decision to leave my role in Paula’s face. Maybe in a few years I’ll be more mature and ready to have another go, but for now it’s best for everybody if I walk away.’

The surprise departure of the nose has left a huge hole in Ms Abdul’s face. Her remaining body parts have vowed to carry on, but the show’s producers, feeling that something is missing, are now frantically searching for a replacement in time for next week’s show. Candidates to replace the nose are rumoured to include a carrot, a Mars bar, and Jedward.

AndyOverhead and malgor (with a hat-tip to Skylarking)

The decision of the Lord Chief Justice to abandon traditional judge’s wigs dating back 300 years is facing opposition from within the legal profession, it has been revealed. ‘First of all, we are very upset that the Lord Chief Justice told everyone it was a wig,’ said one judge. ‘If we felt self-conscious about losing our hair and chose to go into a profession in which wigs came with the job, we don’t necessarily want the boss letting everyone in on the trade secret!’

But many other lawyers are sad about the proposed break with the past and feel that the reforms are an opportunity to remember periods other than the 1700s, and so have taken to wearing headgear from other periods of England’s colourful history.

‘I sent a burglar to prison this morning wearing a horned Viking helmet’ said Judge Charles Farquahson ‘It felt really great, like I was Kirk Douglas or something. Yesterday, I presided over a complex fraud case with my hair spiked up and dyed red in the manner of the punk rock craze of the mid-1970s.’

Other judges have been appearing in court wearing Puritan hats from the late Tudor period or the cumbersome metal helmet complete with visor from a medieval suit of armour. At the Old Bailey yesterday, the courtroom all rose for the judge, only to see him enter wearing a New York Yankees baseball cap on the wrong way round.

However the Lord Chancellor has ruled against traditional horsehair wigs being replaced by the modern toupees associated with the likes of Terry Wogan or Paul Daniels. ‘No that’s getting too ridiculous’ he said ‘We don’t want the judges being laughed out of court.’

‘I don’t know what all the fuss was about’ said Judge Carl Everett from Tallahassee, Florida. ‘It was only a bit of fun to break up the monotony of what’s been a very long trial. My mask wasn’t very scary really, and I did take it off every now and then when it got a bit sweaty inside.’

Judges in the United States do not wear the formal robes and wigs that are traditional in Britain, but some legal commentators feel that the dress may have been slightly too casual on this occasion. At Judge Everett’s suggestion, all the officials of the courtroom came to the final day of the trial dressed in scary costumes for Halloween.

‘It was completely inappropriate’ said Defense Attorney Greg Anderton, who did not want to risk offending the judge by being a spoil-sport and so reluctantly came as Frankenstein. ‘He knew that the verdict and sentencing would probably come on 31/10, but still made us all dress up as witches, vampires and Egyptian Mummies. The clerk of the court came as a zombie and call me a party pooper, but I just don’t think that is appropriate when someone is being given the death penalty.’

The case in question was that of a 37-year-old Hispanic man who was charged with the premeditated murder of his wife and her lover. The fatal injuries that had been described to the jury inspired one of them to come with blood soaked bandages around his head as part of his Kurt Cobain costume. But another juror was reprimanded by the judge for not making enough effort with her costume. ‘Just wearing a pair of round spectacles doesn’t make you Harry Potter,’ he said during his summing up.

Inspired by events in the courtroom, the warders on Florida’s Death Row also dressed up, with the result that two prisoners were executed by officers in Halloween fancy dress. ‘Perhaps we should have warned them beforehand, but seeing the Grim Reaper next to the electric chair is one way of learning that your last minute appeal to the Governor has been turned down.’

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