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Posts Tagged ‘Labour party’

Ed Miliband returns from meditation retreat with powers of mind over matter

After spending the last three months in the wilderness of Nepal, Ed Miliband has returned and announced, at a packed press conference, that he now has full mastery of 100% of his mind and the ability to control remote objects by thought alone.

‘We do not have to accept the world as we find it. And we have a responsibility to leave our world a better place and never walk by once we release the full power of our minds,’ he stated. To rapturous applause he then levitated a plastic cup of water with his mind energy alone before gently setting it back down on the table.

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Posted: Oct 3rd, 2015
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Corbyn’s younger brother Ed ‘still waiting for the call’

Ed Corbyn, younger brother of the new Labour leader Jeremy, has told reporters he is ‘sitting by the phone’ in case anything untoward befalls his elder sibling.

‘I know things have all pretty much settled down now, but I just want to make sure everybody has my number,’ he said at a sparsely-attended press call on the fringe of the Labour conference in Brighton. ‘You know, I’m here any time, just say the word. The word being “challenge”, of course,’ he added, winking.

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Posted: Oct 1st, 2015
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Extremist Corbyn’s vile hobby: collecting trade union memorabilia

The Labour Party sank to a new low today, and virtual civil war broke out on the opposition benches following revelations about the sick and depraved hobby of very, very, left-wing leader Jeremy Corbyn. The socialist demagogue who seized control of the Labour Party earlier this month following a so-called ‘landslide election’ now looks less electable than ever as it was revealed he liked to collect little enamel badges from various trades unions down the decades.

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Posted: Sep 24th, 2015
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Media rounds on Corbyn for not having sex with pig

The new Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn came under fresh pressure this week as it was revealed that at no point during his student years did he take part in the normal student high-jinks that do so much to endear modern politicians to the British electorate. Downing Street yesterday accused Jeremy Corbyn of being ‘too much of a socialist puritan’ in his youth to have even done the normal harmless stuff, like for example, enjoying having sex with a severed pig’s head.

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Posted: Sep 22nd, 2015
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Chuka Umunna to quit showering in the morning

The ex-shadow business secretary has declared his intention to step down from front-line hygiene control and to focus more time on trying to ‘stay in his pyjamas’. Having withdrawn from the Labour leadership contest and now having quit the shadow cabinet, Mr. Umunna is committed to a lack of commitment; which extends to no longer shaving, attending Zumba classes or remembering friend’s birthdays.

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Posted: Sep 15th, 2015
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