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Posts Tagged ‘Labour’

Emily Thornberry goes into standby mode after sending last image

Labour MP Emily Thornberry has shut herself down and gone into standby mode after a sudden loss of power. Labour Party Central say that they lost contact with Thornberry on Friday shortly after travelling to Rochester and believe the shut-down may be a result of having spent too long in the shadow cabinet after a long political journey.

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Posted: Nov 22nd, 2014
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Miliband to acquire white van and visible bumcrack

‘As it goes I favour the Transit, long wheelbase. It’s a classic innit. None of your foreign shite, Renault or whatever, as driven by some Latvian with a PHd in Economics, a thriving decorating business in Chigwell and a brother on benefits and probably out grooming or dogging most nights. Send ‘em back where they belong, is what I say, subject to the Human Rights Act and existing EU Legislation and the employment needs of a newly recovering economy.’

Mr Miliband was speaking to reporters in the wake of the Rochester by election. ‘Let’s get this straight, I’m yer ordinary Lidl or Aldi shopper in the street, wiv like a young family, a 3 bed Wimpey without offstreet parking, and, OK, a former teaching post at Harvard. But could you get a decent pint there? Could you not! But that’s all behind me. From now till the general wosname, I’ll be travelling the length and breadth in the (sic) Transit, listening to what voters are really concerned about, eating chips, drinking beer and quoting for the odd bit of kitchen fitting, innit. An’ kipping in the back.

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Posted: Nov 21st, 2014
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Labour Mission Control ‘fear we may have lost contact’ with Miliband

‘We’ve been trying to get through to Ed for some time,’ said a member of the shadow cabinet, ‘but we’re not sure messages are getting through. They seem to take about 28 minutes to reach him and apparently about the same to return, but that’s supposition, nobody’s waited that long so far.’

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Posted: Nov 17th, 2014
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Miliband declares victory in US Midterms‏

Apparently Mr Miliband 'whupped their asses real good'Much to the surprise and delight of the Labour faithful, their leader announced sweeping gains in the US Senate today. Despite being separated by a political ideology and 3000 miles of Atlantic Ocean, Ed Miliband was able to take the credit for the Republican Party’s recent success and for becoming the first British female solo artist to have five number one singles in the UK.

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Posted: Nov 12th, 2014
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Fiona Woolf denies using feathery hat to deflect attention

'Wouldn't have buried her head in the sand'Fiona Woolf has denied using a special feathery hat to divert people’s attention from Home Office and Conservative Party embarrassment. Mrs Woolf stepped down from the chairmanship of the government cover up of child sex abuse after it was argued she ‘wasn’t an appropriate person’ to lead the whitewash.

But Mrs Woolf still maintains she had all the right credentials for leading a complex cover up into a sexual scandal that may have reached into the higher echelons of government, as well as having excellent contacts inside and outside Westminster, and a hat made of black ostrich feathers.

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Posted: Nov 3rd, 2014
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