Despite assurances from all who made the trip from their Victoria-based recruitment consultant company that ‘it would be kind of cool’ to allow co-worker Cassandra Macavity to accompany them to the club, it was soon apparent that their optimism was decidedly misplaced and that her presence there made the evening awkward and embarrassing for all other patrons.

‘Before we actually got there I just thought that it might be a modern, acceptable and possibly sexy thing to do’ admitted co-worker William Bailey. ‘But I found the presence of a lady who I know really ruined the whole fantasy of portraying all women as objects of lust and no more’.

Club manager Gus Alonzo has said that the appearance of women patrons is a growing trend that has seen takings at his club fall; ‘The men spend less on drinks when they bring female friends along with them, and there are less special paid dances as well. Some groups are happy to watch their lady friend have one dance with one of our girls and that’s your lot. It’s a real shame, a real shame.’

Ms. Macavity was said to be blissfully unaware that her chat with the pole dancers saw the only conversation in the room that displayed genuine interest on both sides and that her post-modern half-ironic gesture of solidarity with her fellow employees may have actually cost her all important kudos with her workmates.

‘It was good fun!’ she claimed, ‘and nice to see that the girls there are not patronised, drooled over and demeaned. We only stayed at the club for half an hour and then went to get pizza. I had a great time, got to know the guys a bit more; I asked pop-questions about what their parents do, how their sisters were getting on at university and about their girlfriends and wives and stuff. I’m just surprised they didn’t want to stay longer.’

thisisalloneword (with thanks to TheToaster)

‘These clubs offer the whole experience’ said one concerned Manchester councillor. ‘The Morris dancers get up on the tables and then wave their hankies about, jiggle their little bells and if someone is prepared to stuff a wad of notes in their gaiter, they might even bang their sticks together. It’s disgusting.’

The Morris Dancers themselves defend themselves against accusations that their occupation is unhealthy and sordid. ‘I’m proud of my interest in English folk traditions and if other men want to pay me good money to prance about on the table in front of them, I can’t see how that means I am being exploited,’ said one dancer from ‘Secrets’ in Euston, North London.

But local residents have been horrified to discover that this sort of thing is going on in the heart of their community and are frustrated that local authorities seem powerless to ban it. ‘Although there are bouncers and dark glass and everything, my children know that on the other side of that door there are middle aged men dressing up in green waistcoats and funny hats who are jigging about for the entertainment of some seedy businessmen,’ said one local mother.

The licensing agreement stipulates that club members are not permitted to touch the Morris Dancers, but an investigation by Manchester Council revealed that some men will pay extra to have a quick wave of the handkerchief themselves or may offer cash to dancers to adjust the traditional formation to get more attention to their table. The investigation fell apart however, when the councillor leading the fact-finding study was photographed in a private booth, having a one to one with a Morris lap dancer who was letting him bang sticks with him while dangling his hat ribbons over his face.

Tim Goffe