The Clegg’s existence has been postulated for some time as a means to resolving strange inconsistencies in the Standard Political Model, while remaining barely detectable itself.

‘The Clegg is very tiny and only capable of weak interactions,’ explained Professor Jim Al-Khalili, ‘However, despite exerting only a very small force, it appears to play a key role in providing the mass for some of the larger political elements.’

Scientists finally made the breakthrough by bombarding a political vacuum in the House of Commons Collider with high energy levels of scorn and derision. This eventually caused the Clegg to appear, albeit only for a nanosecond, before rapidly vanishing back into the ether.

‘This brief sighting could help to explain a lot of things,’ said Professor Al-Khalili. ‘The Clegg represents a stumbling block, but if it does exist then it may provide the key to how we all ended up where we are today.’

Scientists are fascinated by the Clegg particle because it has a strange ‘reverse spin’. This means that whenever it tries to go one way, it always ends up going in completely the opposite direction. The Clegg also bridges the gap between matter and anti-matter, existing in what experts believe is a perpetual state of ‘doesn’t-really-matter’.

Despite the excitement, many scientists remain sceptical about the findings and claim that the Clegg is just an insignificant blip that will probably fade away in time.

Meanwhile, others are hoping that it may be possible to harness the power of the Clegg for good. ‘It may seem like something from science fiction,’ said Al-Khalili, ‘but in the future it might be possible to split the Clegg, releasing political power of such magnitude that it may be able to light up very a small torch.’

‘When the car keys disappeared it soon became clear that there was an effect here that had major ramifications for the world of physics,’ said Cox. ‘The keys had clearly undergone an inter-dimensional shift which had moved them through time, space, or one of the many other dimensions posited to exist, in such a way as to render them invisible to the human eye. Also, the car had been clamped and was clocking up £100 a day in storage charges, so it was vital we found an answer quick.’

Professor Stephen Hawking suggested that the Large Hadron Collider was developed to unravel just these sorts of fundamental mysteries about the universe. ‘Brian was banging his head against the wall looking for the elusive car part,’ said Professor Stephen Hawking. ‘It was doing no good, though, so we decided to bang particles together instead, but at massive speeds until he could recall where the car keys were. We also hoped that the LHC could answer other questions such as ‘Where are my glasses?’ and ‘Why did I come upstairs?’’

After years of experiments, the LHC, lying in a 27km tunnel running under the Franco-Swiss border, today finally located the missing keys in a 1.5m ridge running under the cushions on Cox’s sofa. ‘It turns out that one of the missing dimensions predicted by string theory is actually down the back of the sofa,’ explained Cox. ‘This is a major scientific advance, but a further blow to relativity. It seems the space down the back of the sofa is far greater than its outward measurements suggest, and it acts like a black hole sucking in all matter around it. I believe that if we search down the back of the world’s sofas we will find all the ships and aircraft that were believed lost in the Bermuda Triangle.’

Cox is now hoping to win the Nobel prize with his discovery in order to help pay off the massive fine that is due to get his car unclamped.

‘I do hope they find the little chap,’ said a concerned passer-by near the CERN laboratory in Switzerland yesterday. ‘I couldn’t bear the thought of him all alone in the universe. It’s almost beyond comprehension.’

Scientists are hoping the posters will help find the particle, but they admit it’s a long shot. ‘We couldn’t find a picture and no-one really knows what they’re looking for,’ said one. ‘People haven’t been so confused since Schrodinger put up all those ‘wanted dead or alive’ notices for his cat.’

Runestone Cowboy

‘The 300-million-metres-per-second speed limit was introduced at the beginning of the universe and is clearly now out of date,’ he said. ‘We’ve seen huge advances in sub-atomic automotive safety since then. What we would be doing here is bringing a number of neutrinos which routinely flout the limit back on the right side of the laws of relativity, and that has to be a good thing.’

The proposal follows recent trials in an underground transport network on the Franco-Swiss border near Geneva in which certain road users were allowed to exceed the current limit. The success of that experiment means that Ministers are convinced the existing law needs to change.

‘Not only would this change be good for scientists, it would also be good for business,’ continued Hammond. ‘Increasing the speed limit would reduce the journey time from the sun to the earth from its current sluggish 8 minutes and 19 seconds, bringing enormous economic benefits by increasing the amount of sunlight we receive and potentially lengthening the day.’

However, critics of the plan have expressed concern. ‘Physicists have already shown complete disregard for sub-atomic safety,’ said campaign group BRAKE. ‘A rise in the light-speed limit is only going to see more scientific theories die needlessly in our laboratories each year as scientists smash particles together at ever increasing velocity.’

Despite the criticism Ministers have vowed to press on with the scheme, but have also promised to get tough with selfish sub-atomic road users who tail-gate, hog the middle lane and overtake on the inside.

(Based on an idea by Screenie)

“It was a mistake while they were here on a team-building exercise. As it turns out, they were already on a collision course, we just had to speed them up a little.

“A row broke out between them, a really tedious one. It was all ‘I’d quite like to go first’, and ‘I understand your argument, but I would like to suggest an alternative arrangement’. After 20 minutes or so, we got so fed up we just slammed the door and hit the button.”

“But once the two had disappeared up each other, we looked at the gauges. We’d finally discovered something: anti-policy particles. If any of these little babies comes into contact with a useful policy, or even a half formed good idea, it immediately converts it into bullshit, by vastly increasing its rate of spin.”

Al O’Pecia & Waylandsmithy

One government spokesman said the growing trend for ‘normal’ accents is ‘undermining the gravitas and integrity of British science and must stop right now.’

The science minister has come short of pointing the finger of blame at anyone in particular but it is widely felt that the action has been taken in direct response to the BBC, which has let a number of northern scientists find their way onto prime time television.

The matter has come to a head with Professor Brian Cox, who has attracted criticism for trying to explain particle physics on BBC 1 with a strong Oldham accent. One unnamed critic said that he was ‘letting science down’ and added that ‘if he really cared about science he would have spent some time at the Large Hadron Collider developing an authentic European type accent.’

‘The guys and I just looked at the shots, then at each other, and you could tell what we were all thinking. This is just one almighty waste of time,’ said Professor Martin Cramber of NASA, addressing a packed press conference at Cape Canaveral. ‘We’re on this planet and there are stars in every direction for millions and millions of miles. Who really cares?’

‘I mean, look at this,’ continued Cramber, holding up a series of grainy black and white photos of what may well have been stars. ‘And this. And this. They’re stars, yes? Do they tell you anything you didn’t already know? Of course not. You can take as many pictures as you like, but not one of them is going to show a star with a big sign on it saying ‘Hello Earthlings’ or ‘Big Bang woz ere’. I tell you what, why not give your tax dollars straight to me and I’ll send you some Polaroids every few months.’

The announcement by NASA has sent shockwaves through the scientific community and led to a reappraisal of the value of much current research. ‘We found a particle that was smaller than the previous smallest particle,’ said a physicist at CERN, ‘then we got briefly excited when we thought we’d found a particle even smaller than that. But when you boil it down, I guess what we’re saying is that everything’s made of little things, and if you propel something god knows how fast straight into the path of another thing, you’re going to end up with something smaller than you started with.’

‘Jesus, I can’t believe I gave up any chance with women for this.’

Bravenewmalden

‘We have Blue Monday, Ruby Tuesday, Orange Wednesdays and Black Friday, but the true colour of Thursday still eludes us – it’s such a drab, maundy sort of day,’ explained Professor Chris Boddy, Director of the Centre for Colour Studies in Kent.

He revealed that a group of theoretical physicists at CERN used unscheduled sessions with the Large Hadron Collider to smash tiny particles of Thursday into 5-litre pots of Dulux. ‘We had a promising moment early on in the research, when a few molecules of Apricot Sunrise seemed to be adhering to Thursday’s underside. But when we checked, all we’d got was ‘White with a hint of Higgs Boson’ – useless, quite useless…’ he confessed sadly.

dicky37