The Clegg’s existence has been postulated for some time as a means to resolving strange inconsistencies in the Standard Political Model, while remaining barely detectable itself.

‘The Clegg is very tiny and only capable of weak interactions,’ explained Professor Jim Al-Khalili, ‘However, despite exerting only a very small force, it appears to play a key role in providing the mass for some of the larger political elements.’

Scientists finally made the breakthrough by bombarding a political vacuum in the House of Commons Collider with high energy levels of scorn and derision. This eventually caused the Clegg to appear, albeit only for a nanosecond, before rapidly vanishing back into the ether.

‘This brief sighting could help to explain a lot of things,’ said Professor Al-Khalili. ‘The Clegg represents a stumbling block, but if it does exist then it may provide the key to how we all ended up where we are today.’

Scientists are fascinated by the Clegg particle because it has a strange ‘reverse spin’. This means that whenever it tries to go one way, it always ends up going in completely the opposite direction. The Clegg also bridges the gap between matter and anti-matter, existing in what experts believe is a perpetual state of ‘doesn’t-really-matter’.

Despite the excitement, many scientists remain sceptical about the findings and claim that the Clegg is just an insignificant blip that will probably fade away in time.

Meanwhile, others are hoping that it may be possible to harness the power of the Clegg for good. ‘It may seem like something from science fiction,’ said Al-Khalili, ‘but in the future it might be possible to split the Clegg, releasing political power of such magnitude that it may be able to light up very a small torch.’

‘When the car keys disappeared it soon became clear that there was an effect here that had major ramifications for the world of physics,’ said Cox. ‘The keys had clearly undergone an inter-dimensional shift which had moved them through time, space, or one of the many other dimensions posited to exist, in such a way as to render them invisible to the human eye. Also, the car had been clamped and was clocking up £100 a day in storage charges, so it was vital we found an answer quick.’

Professor Stephen Hawking suggested that the Large Hadron Collider was developed to unravel just these sorts of fundamental mysteries about the universe. ‘Brian was banging his head against the wall looking for the elusive car part,’ said Professor Stephen Hawking. ‘It was doing no good, though, so we decided to bang particles together instead, but at massive speeds until he could recall where the car keys were. We also hoped that the LHC could answer other questions such as ‘Where are my glasses?’ and ‘Why did I come upstairs?’’

After years of experiments, the LHC, lying in a 27km tunnel running under the Franco-Swiss border, today finally located the missing keys in a 1.5m ridge running under the cushions on Cox’s sofa. ‘It turns out that one of the missing dimensions predicted by string theory is actually down the back of the sofa,’ explained Cox. ‘This is a major scientific advance, but a further blow to relativity. It seems the space down the back of the sofa is far greater than its outward measurements suggest, and it acts like a black hole sucking in all matter around it. I believe that if we search down the back of the world’s sofas we will find all the ships and aircraft that were believed lost in the Bermuda Triangle.’

Cox is now hoping to win the Nobel prize with his discovery in order to help pay off the massive fine that is due to get his car unclamped.

‘I do hope they find the little chap,’ said a concerned passer-by near the CERN laboratory in Switzerland yesterday. ‘I couldn’t bear the thought of him all alone in the universe. It’s almost beyond comprehension.’

Scientists are hoping the posters will help find the particle, but they admit it’s a long shot. ‘We couldn’t find a picture and no-one really knows what they’re looking for,’ said one. ‘People haven’t been so confused since Schrodinger put up all those ‘wanted dead or alive’ notices for his cat.’

Runestone Cowboy

‘The 300-million-metres-per-second speed limit was introduced at the beginning of the universe and is clearly now out of date,’ he said. ‘We’ve seen huge advances in sub-atomic automotive safety since then. What we would be doing here is bringing a number of neutrinos which routinely flout the limit back on the right side of the laws of relativity, and that has to be a good thing.’

The proposal follows recent trials in an underground transport network on the Franco-Swiss border near Geneva in which certain road users were allowed to exceed the current limit. The success of that experiment means that Ministers are convinced the existing law needs to change.

‘Not only would this change be good for scientists, it would also be good for business,’ continued Hammond. ‘Increasing the speed limit would reduce the journey time from the sun to the earth from its current sluggish 8 minutes and 19 seconds, bringing enormous economic benefits by increasing the amount of sunlight we receive and potentially lengthening the day.’

However, critics of the plan have expressed concern. ‘Physicists have already shown complete disregard for sub-atomic safety,’ said campaign group BRAKE. ‘A rise in the light-speed limit is only going to see more scientific theories die needlessly in our laboratories each year as scientists smash particles together at ever increasing velocity.’

Despite the criticism Ministers have vowed to press on with the scheme, but have also promised to get tough with selfish sub-atomic road users who tail-gate, hog the middle lane and overtake on the inside.

(Based on an idea by Screenie)

‘The guys and I just looked at the shots, then at each other, and you could tell what we were all thinking. This is just one almighty waste of time,’ said Professor Martin Cramber of NASA, addressing a packed press conference at Cape Canaveral. ‘We’re on this planet and there are stars in every direction for millions and millions of miles. Who really cares?’

‘I mean, look at this,’ continued Cramber, holding up a series of grainy black and white photos of what may well have been stars. ‘And this. And this. They’re stars, yes? Do they tell you anything you didn’t already know? Of course not. You can take as many pictures as you like, but not one of them is going to show a star with a big sign on it saying ‘Hello Earthlings’ or ‘Big Bang woz ere’. I tell you what, why not give your tax dollars straight to me and I’ll send you some Polaroids every few months.’

The announcement by NASA has sent shockwaves through the scientific community and led to a reappraisal of the value of much current research. ‘We found a particle that was smaller than the previous smallest particle,’ said a physicist at CERN, ‘then we got briefly excited when we thought we’d found a particle even smaller than that. But when you boil it down, I guess what we’re saying is that everything’s made of little things, and if you propel something god knows how fast straight into the path of another thing, you’re going to end up with something smaller than you started with.’

‘Jesus, I can’t believe I gave up any chance with women for this.’

Bravenewmalden

Happy scientists exchanged water for wine

‘It’s not quite the God particle we’ve been looking for, ‘said Professor Mann, head of the Atlas Project at CERN, ‘but it’s a miracle nonetheless.’

The particle arose from a collision between a J and an M particle in a way which no one thought possible, and the bright light created sucked in three K particles from the East.  Although it only existed for a fraction of a second, scientists are adamant that the Son of God particle will re-appear by Sunday.

‘Make no mistake there’ll be lots written about this and it will become the standard textbook for how we do things in future,’ said Professor Mann.  ‘I’ve no doubt it will lead to peace, harmony and wisdom among all men with sandals, beards and tank-tops.’

Excitement at the news was heightened when it was revealed that, on the same day, a technician in the CERN canteen opened a marmite sandwich to discover a perfect image of esteemed physicist Professor Peter Higgs.

James Gillies, Cern’s Director of Communications, told reporters that the two church leaders were almost ready to travel to the French-Swiss border. ‘They have been praying together and wishing each other a safe journey before they meet again head-on in the middle of the 27km-long circular tunnel.’

Cern’s director-general Rolf Heuer said ‘Both His Holiness and the Archbishop claim to know something of how our universe began, so by smashing their heads together at a tremendous speed we hope that we will at long last get a final answer.’

He said that the toss of a coin would decide which end of the tunnel each would be fired from. Steve Myers, Cern’s director of accelerators, said he was optimistic the two church leaders would reach the speed of light. ‘Although the two are rather bulky and not the idea shape for this, I hope that the 1.2 trillion electron volts and the 1,200 superconducting magnets will do the trick. We shall just hope and pray and increase the voltage until we get the required acceleration.’

Rolf Heuer said that though the two human projectiles would be smashed into billions of particles, he expected them to re-appear for services and mass the following day. ‘They have both spoken with certainty about the existence of God, and so we are giving them this chance to prove it scientifically. The experiment is in essence quite simple. We shall just be asking Dr Williams to remove his glasses.’

Charged with breaking the laws of physics

Swiss police were yesterday involved in a high-speed pursuit after the Large Hadron Collider was hotwired and stolen by teenagers.  The gang are believed to have jemmied their way in via a breach in the space-time continuum probably left open by a cleaner.

Police were unable to keep up with the youths as they drove the Collider around in a 27km circle of chaos, pulling handbrake turns and firing off protons at close to the speed of light.  One elderly witness was treated for shock after seeing one boy pull down his pants and moon out of the window shouting, ‘Look! I’ve created a black hole!’

Experts believe that during the escapade the boys may have inadvertently created the elusive Higgs boson particle when they crashed into a lamppost, but by the time the police arrived the particle had escaped down a nearby alley.