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Posts Tagged ‘life expectancy’

Pensioners helpfully reminded ‘your days are numbered’

Pensions Minister Steve Webb has proposed that all of the UK’s OAPs should be given a stark reality check in terms of life expectancy. Mr Webb’s understandable concern is that the elderly are unaware of their own mortality and that previous attempts to pursue them with dark storm clouds, circling vultures and ‘a dyspeptic hobgoblin carrying an oversized hourglass’ did not have ‘the desired impact’.

Initially there will be a leaflet campaign depicting images of ‘memento mori’, ‘broken mirrors’ and stills from the ‘Final Destination’ movie franchise. This will be supplemented with a visit by a blind pirate bearing the black-spot, quickly followed by the erection of a glowing white tunnel outside their front door. If the pensioner has still not ‘got the hint’, they will be given a face-to-face consultation with a wailing banshee.

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Posted: Apr 18th, 2014
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EU recalibration means the eradication of little old ladies by 2014

Ladies over the age of 65 and under 145cm (4’9’’) will be classed as ‘Petite or Small’, those between 145cm and 165cm (5’5’’) will be ‘Moyenne or Medium’, and those above 165cm will be ‘Grande or Tall’.

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Posted: Mar 15th, 2011
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