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Posts Tagged ‘London Olympics’

‘Mockney bloodbath’ promised for Olympic closing ceremony

‘My little spectacular is going to be the ‘dog’s trustfunds’, if you know what I’m saying.’ quipped Ritchie, addressing the media. ‘And, yes, there will be broken noses and witty fuckin’ ripostes to your dumb arsed questions.’

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Posted: Aug 10th, 2012
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McDonald’s to sponsor NHS says Andrew Lansley

‘A Big Mac injection might be all some sick people need to get them on their feet.’

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Posted: Aug 6th, 2012
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Workplaces to get screaming supporters

Early trials are showing positive results with productivity at one sandwich factory up 20% when 5,000 spectators were sent in to ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ – increasing the possibility that the scheme could be rolled out across the country.

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Posted: Aug 6th, 2012
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Government ‘all set’ for fortnight of buried bad news

‘We tested the water by announcing a drop in GDP whilst everyone was talking about the start of the Olympics football tournament’, a source close to the cabinet announced during the opening ceremony.

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Posted: Jul 29th, 2012
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Unemployed lorry driver, 54, launches Olympic selection bid

With a whopping six hours until the opening ceremony of London 2012, Dave Collins, a 54 year-old unemployed lorry driver, said he was ‘humbled’ to announce his intention to seek selection for Team GB.

‘The big problem was deciding which events to go for’, wheezed Collins. ‘I thought of the cycling road race but my bike’s stuck right at the back of my shed. There’s no point emptying it all out, adjusting the saddle and finding the pump, only to have Mark Cavendish come flying past in the last 200 metres.’

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Posted: Jul 27th, 2012
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