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Posts Tagged ‘London’

Salmond to run for London Mayor

‘Of course, I’m hoping to become an MP – the expenses are better and with enough SNP MPs in Parliament we can force the canteen to deep fry Mars bars the Holyrood way,’ said Alex Salmond today, ‘but if that doesnae pan out, I’m going tae run for London Mayor.’

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Posted: Apr 24th, 2015
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Boris Johnson launches new ‘Bicycle-Water-Cannons-For-Hire’ scheme

feel the power‘I have already spent the day hosing down the hoi polloi.’

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Posted: Apr 6th, 2015
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London commuter confesses: “I don’t know why I’m rushing”

Whoosh... Life's gone.After 30 years of hard labour at a top investment bank, city worker, Alan Baxter, has finally admitted that he no longer needs to rush on the London Underground. This painful realisation has come at the cost of 3 divorces and child support payments to 4 daughters who like Prada but refuse to acknowledge his existence.

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Posted: Jan 28th, 2015
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London looking forward to ‘Boris-free Sundays’

‘It’s an inspired idea,’ said one resident, talking about the proposal that Boris Johnson would stay off the streets, off the airwaves, out of the way and would only talk complete shite in the privacy of his own home on Sundays.

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Posted: Dec 1st, 2014
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Polish Jack the Ripper ‘probably had a free council house too’, claim UKIP

The mystery surrounding Britain’s most notorious serial killer ‘Jack the Ripper’ has finally been solved this week, after ‘conclusive DNA evidence’ revealed him to be Polish immigrant Aaron Kosminski, a hairdresser living in Whitechapel. The startling revelation has caught the attention of the world, including UKIP, who have already claimed that Kosminski was ‘probably a sponger’.

‘This just proves that, even nineteenth-century England would have been a safer place, had UKIP been around’, said party leader Nigel Farage today. ‘Looking at his handy work, I always guessed he was eastern European. He no doubt arrived illegally and was given a massive council house, or whatever the equivalent was back then’.

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Posted: Sep 7th, 2014
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