After 30 years of hard labour at a top investment bank, city worker, Alan Baxter, has finally admitted that he no longer needs to rush on the London Underground. This painful realisation has come at the cost of 3 divorces and child support payments to 4 daughters who like Prada but refuse to acknowledge his existence.
Posted: Jan 28th, 2015
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‘It’s an inspired idea,’ said one resident, talking about the proposal that Boris Johnson would stay off the streets, off the airwaves, out of the way and would only talk complete shite in the privacy of his own home on Sundays.
Posted: Dec 1st, 2014
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The mystery surrounding Britain’s most notorious serial killer ‘Jack the Ripper’ has finally been solved this week, after ‘conclusive DNA evidence’ revealed him to be Polish immigrant Aaron Kosminski, a hairdresser living in Whitechapel. The startling revelation has caught the attention of the world, including UKIP, who have already claimed that Kosminski was ‘probably a sponger’.
‘This just proves that, even nineteenth-century England would have been a safer place, had UKIP been around’, said party leader Nigel Farage today. ‘Looking at his handy work, I always guessed he was eastern European. He no doubt arrived illegally and was given a massive council house, or whatever the equivalent was back then’.
Posted: Sep 7th, 2014
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‘This would shorten journey times between London and Birmingham by the same amount as HS2, but would also have the added benefit of reducing the length of the M40, delivering a significant boost to the road haulage industry.’
Posted: Jul 14th, 2014
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Boris Johnson has today announced plans to launch the all new ‘Bicycle-Water-Cannons-For-Hire’ scheme in London, believed to be the first of its kind in Europe. ‘These new Boris Cannons are a tremendous wheeze,’ said the London Mayor today. ‘I have already spent the day riding around on one, hosing down the hoi polloi and washing away beggars from shop doorways. It’s tremendous fun.’
Posted: Apr 2nd, 2014
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