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Posts Tagged ‘Manchester United’

Chelsea up offer for Wayne Rooney by a sack of spuds and a granny

Chelsea football club today dramatically increased the pressure on Manchester United to sell Wayne Rooney, by offering him a sack of potatoes and the unlimited use of a granny.

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Posted: Jul 17th, 2013
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Wayne Rooney trapped in home for two days by baby stair gate

After the star failed to report for training it emerged that he had been trapped upstairs in his Cheshire home trying to work out how to open a baby stair gate.

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Posted: May 24th, 2013
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Absence of Fergie’s wrath ‘may lead to global cooling, possibly new ice age’

Climatologists across the globe have expressed concern that the retirement of Sir Alex Ferguson will result in temperatures being lowered across the planet. The impact of no-hairdrying on match days and the elimination of daily assaults against the BBC is expected to reduce temperatures by around 15 degrees Celsius and may lead to icebergs forming in the Red Sea.

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Posted: May 10th, 2013
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Next Man United boss decided ‘Apprentice-style’

time's upThe successor to Sralex Ferguson as the manager of Manchester United has been chosen via a series of elimination tests, resulting in many hopeful managers losing any chance of ever enjoying ‘the big time’. Throughout the season, a large number of eager applicants with ridiculously over-inflated opinions of their abilities have been trialled but have failed spectacularly, and been summarily dismissed with the chilling words: ‘You’re fired’.

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Posted: May 9th, 2013
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Seven minutes to be added at end of Premier League season

At the end of each of the last matches in the Premier league this season, extra time will be played as usual but a further seven minutes will then be added in honour of Sir Alex Ferguson who announced his retirement from Manchester United today.

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Posted: May 8th, 2013
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