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Posts Tagged ‘Mark Zuckerberg’

New Facebook glasses mean you never have to see a real person again

wearer guaranteed to get poked, a lot.‘These glasses are an important step towards my ultimate ambition,’ said Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg, ‘the complete destruction of normal human relations.’

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Posted: Apr 20th, 2015
More from From The Archives

Facebook offers fully automated profiles for morons

for the discerning social media slovenFacebook is set to offer fully automated profiles by the end of next year. Users who lack the will to update their status in person at odd intervals will be able to pre-select a lifetime’s worth of status updates that will automatically be posted to their profiles.

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Posted: Mar 2nd, 2015
More from Science/Technology

Facebook now to include the ‘secret of fire’

Pleased by the success of including hashtagging within their social network, Facebook Chief Operating Officer Sheryl Sandberg has decided to roll out a further series of innovative technological advances. First amongst these will be to give Facebook members the ability to rub together two sticks to generate something akin to the “rapid oxidation of a material”.

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Posted: Jun 13th, 2013
More from News In Brief

Furious Facebook investors pacified by amusing picture of kitten

noAs its share value continued to plummet towards zero in its first week of trading, social media giant Facebook has seen off a major revolt by thousands of furious shareholders by issuing a series of heartwarming and whimsical posts featuring kittens and other adorable internet memes.

Shares in the company were initially made available at $39 each last week. But they plummeted to barely $35 within hours of trading, as new shareholders logged onto Facebook for the first time. ‘I couldn’t believe it. It was just a bunch of solipsistic ramblings and inane platitudes being ascribed to the Dalai Lama,’ bemoaned first-time investor Alex Joseph. ‘All for $39 a pop. Thank you very much Mark fuckin’ Zuckerberg.’

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Posted: May 29th, 2012
More from Business

Egyptian hieroglyphs ‘were early examples of Facebook status updates’

far more poking going on than was strictly necessary‘If a pharaoh wanted to let his friends know how he was, he’d just instant message them by carving a status update like ‘wavy line, owl, big eye, smiley face’ onto his wall.’

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Posted: Sep 28th, 2011
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