Hilary Acacia Avenue (nee Bingham) from Blackburn yesterday celebrated getting hitched to her three-bedroom terraced house.

‘I can’t believe it’s all happened so quickly,’ said Mrs Acacia Avenue. ‘I only asked 14 Acacia Avenue to marry me on Christmas Day, then we got straight on the phone to the registry office who managed to get us a cancellation.’

It is believed that Hilary suffers from Objectophilila. However, Mary Harper, 47, who lives at 17 Acacia Avenue told us: ‘The selfish trollop only married it so that it didn’t get repossessed. She owes £15,000 in mortgage arrears. I feel so sorry for any rooms they end up having.’

Although Mr and Mrs Acacia Avenue won’t be having a honeymoon, the couple had a successful first night together as a married couple. Hilary said: ‘We didn’t go all the way, but I did get damp in the back bedroom.’

Marko

‘I just can’t cope any more,’ she said. ‘I cook all the meals, drop them off at school, do all the washing and cleaning. ‘I’m the one who reads with them after school and at bedtime. All he does is chase them up the stairs every night going ‘Raarrr!!!’. That’s it!’

‘He’s not a bad person,’ she continued, ‘it’s just he thinks that’s all there is to being a dad – chasing them up the stairs on all fours going ‘Raarrr!!!’.’

Immediate neighbours of the Hurrells have also spoken of their frustration at what Dan tries to pass off as being ‘good with the kids’.

‘He’s a nice enough bloke to talk to, but every night it’s the same,’ said Hannah Morgan. ‘Seven thirty, on the dot: stomp- stomp-stomp, ‘Raarrr!!!’, stomp-stomp-stomp. In the garden, too. They’re outside playing nicely when, all of a sudden, the patio doors open and then it’s ‘Raarrr!!!’ all the way round the swings, across the decking, into the house and back out again. For ages. And let me tell you, those kids can scream. We just close the windows now as soon as we hear the lock on the patio door go.’

Following this criticism, Dan is now receiving help from consultant psychologist, Dr Fiona Grace. ‘Chasing the kids about while going ‘Raarrr!!!’ is fine every now and then, but ideally it should be complemented with other, less loud and chase-y forms of parental interaction. If not, it can manifest itself in adulthood as anxiety, shyness and a chronic phobia of roaring and stairs.’

‘I’ve spoken to Mr Hurrell about this and he now understands the error of his ways,’ she continued. ‘In fact everyone’s being very supportive – apart from his father, that is, who burst in halfway through our session and chased him around the room and up the stairs going ‘Raarrr!!!’.’

Look at it this way: if you were running a marathon, would you just pitch up on the day with some trainers and a sense of enthusiasm? Not unless you want some career-ending blisters and roadside CPR, you wouldn’t. Any responsible athlete will tell you to prepare for it with a long-term training programme that culminates in several lengthy practise runs. Several exhausting, acrimonious, spirit-sapping runs. You’ve got to build up for the big one, and with the hard yards of marriages one to four in my legs, that’s exactly what I’ve done.

Of course I didn’t realise that when I was getting married the first, second, thrid and fourth times. With the confidence of the rookie, I thought I had what it takes for the long haul. But looking back today with the wisdom I have now, I can see those early-season outings could never have ended in success. And thanks to a closet lesbian, a back-stabbing best friend, the vigilance of the staff at the Vietnamese embassy and another lesbian, that’s exactly how things panned out.

What’s important, though, is not falling into the trap of being too hard on yourself. It would be all too easy, with the benefit of hindsight, for a lesser man to blame himself for the recurring marital themes of profound sexual inadequacy, consistently unreasonable behaviour and prolonged professional failure leading to intractable financial problems – especially if this is topped off every time by in-laws and spousal friends prone to rushing to unfavourable judgements. That would not only be wrong, it would be oversimplifying things. And where would it get you – certainly not down the aisle for a fifth pop at the cherry.

Life is a complex business, and so you mustn’t underestimate the role played by downright bad luck. There’s only a one in three chance a marriage will end in divorce. Those are pretty good odds, so you can imagine what a run of bad cards you need to end up with a royal flush of four consecutive decree absolutes in your hand. That’s a one in 81 chance! I thought I’d had my fill of bad luck at the roulette wheel where I spent much of my second marriage, but it turned out not. Little did I know that Fate had lined me up with eighty other guys, marked me out for special attention and then let every other single one of them walk away before wife numero quatro could take their home, their car, their pension and their masculinity.

But what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. (Nice try though, Cathy, if you’re reading this.) The important thing is always to learn from what life throws at you, and you don’t get hitched a third of a dozen times without picking up a few pointers along the way. There are simple lessons, lessons like it’s always worth making an effort to scrub up on your wedding day and not drink till after the service because you can count on some joker bringing along a camera. Lessons like make a note of the date you get married because you’re expected to remember it next year. And lessons like never suggest an ex-wife as a bridesmaid. These are little things you can only learn from experience, and I’m more than happy to share them with you.

But there are also bigger lessons, lessons like it’s important to have shared interests (but not your best friend Geoff), like you should always show each other respect (even if one of you has just sold an irreplaceable family heirloom for £50 or made an obviously ironic pass at your sister), and like – and this is crucial – not marrying evil, manipulative bitches who thrive on your misery like a vampire on your blood and will screw you for every last penny you have.

Most of all, though, as I approach the altar with hope in my heart for another honest shot at marital bliss, what four marriages have taught me is this: if things don’t work out you can always try again later with someone else, so you mustn’t put yourself under any pressure to succeed. They tend not to make a big deal of this on the day, but it’s well worth remembering for future reference.

‘Our junior doctors are being worked to the point of exhaustion,’ said one whistle-blower, a practising love consultant. ‘With one in three marriages ending in divorce, we’ve been forced to work a triage system. While we try to patch up the salvageable relationships by pulling the screen around the bed, lighting scented candles and playing Barry White records, when it’s terminal we sometimes have no choice but to leave a couple on a trolley in the corridor until nature takes its course and one of them drifts away.’

Commentators have criticised the NHS’s performance between the sterilised bedsheets. ‘Doctors are so overworked they don’t have time to give us proper treatment,’ said one dissatisfied patient. ‘The one who saw my husband and I took one look at Kevin, shrugged and told me I could do so much better. Then he suggested to Kevin that if he was having problems getting in the mood, a brown paper bag can really spice things up.’

Pressure groups like the Single-But-Looking Society say that the British love system lags considerably behind our continental neighbours. ‘Under the efficient German system you can get into a relationship within the hour, providing you don’t try to laugh them into bed. And there’s so much we can learn from the Italians. Their prime minister is a firm believer in cradle to grave provision, meaning those close to the grave should have proper access to those not long out of cradles.’

The Government has attempted to reduce waiting times by setting up a 24-hour advice helpline, NHS Lurvin’ Direct, but this too has come in for criticism. ‘I was forwarded to some Indian call centre,’ complained one elderly suitor. ‘They advised me to consult page 27 of the Kama Sutra, arch my back and put my left arm under my wife’s right leg. Well, the earth certainly moved for Mildred – in fact it moved right out from under her. She now needs a replacement hip and doctors estimate a waiting time of months before I see any action again.’

jp1885 (hat-tips to Quaz and Oxbridge)

‘There was a lot of interest in the sale,’ said Mavis Jones, manager of the Cat Protection League shop. ‘Two customers thought about it and one even tried it on, but in the end offered only £3. I’m glad we held out for the higher bid. Head Office are thrilled.’

Mrs Foster said she had decided to sell the frock – pink with a bold floral pattern and gold edgings – only after seeing Marilyn Monroe’s frock sold for £2.8m a few days ago.

‘It reminded me of my frock and the day of my sister’s wedding,’ she said. ‘The best man said I reminded him a bit of Arthur Miller.’

‘Unfortunately there will always be unscrupulous couples out there who are prepared to abuse the office of political matrimony and enter into a coalition based on a lie,’ said Dr Rowan Williams, Archbishop of Canterbury. ‘I fear that what we have here is nothing more than a marriage of convenience perpetrated to stop either party being removed from power in the UK.’

A Church of England investigation suggests that in the last year alone as many as 306 Tory MPs and 57 Lib Dem MPs have been implicated in an organised sham marriage racket. ‘People forget that what looks like an act of deception committed by two people is often the work of criminal gangs involved in far more sinister activities like massive public sector cuts and the extortion of crippling amounts of money from students.’

New guidelines for vicars on spotting sham marriages suggest that the Cameron-Clegg ceremony ought to have set alarm bells ringing from the start. ‘In hindsight, it is clear that the couple barely knew each other and that the families on both sides looked pretty uncomfortable with the whole thing – indeed the Maid of Honour, Vince Cable, looked visibly frightened at what he was being asked to do. But it can be very difficult for vicars when one or even both parties to the marriage are willing to jump into bed with almost anyone to gain a modicum of social standing.’

Journalist Nick Robinson, who was present at the garden party reception at No.10, now admits that the couple’s specially adapted vows were the biggest giveaway. ‘The vicar asked, ‘Do you, David William Donald Cameron, promise to use the financial crisis as an opportunity to push through your ideological belief in a smaller state which helps the rich and punishes the poor?’ He then asked, ‘And do you, Nicholas William Peter Clegg, promise to let him do it?’ Nick Clegg said, ‘I do’, which at least is a promise he appears to have kept.’

But supporters of the coalition argue that Cameron and Clegg have much in common and are very happily married. ‘They have very similar backgrounds, and when you see the two of them together there’s no denying the bromance.’ Critics remain unconvinced, however. ‘You know it’s not a proper marriage when they can’t even find anything to disagree about.’

simonjmr

‘The whole thing started when I was having a laugh with my work mate, Charlotte’, she explained. ‘We had been conducting a tender for refuse contractors and over lunch, and I suggested that we should put our marriages out to tender. The more I thought about it, the better an idea it seemed to be.’

In her formal Invitation to Tender (ITT) document, 32-year-old mother-of-two Rhona has asked for bidders to provide a written proposal, and those making the shortlist can expect to be invited to provide an oral presentation. The successful applicant will have demonstrated his prowess in number of key performance areas, including previous experience, childcare ability, technical merit and remuneration.

‘I’ve issued ITT packs to several specially chosen providers,’ enthused Rhona. ‘I’m expecting an interesting proposition from Mr Dwyer, the twins’ primary school teacher, and I’m really looking forward to seeing what Tom, the man next door, comes up with.’

Rhona has given her husband of seven years, Brian, an ITT, but is not very optimistic about his chances. ‘To be honest, I don’t see him as one of the main contenders at the moment. He has been very distracted since I started the process. In fact, he’s been spending more time at work than ever and I hardly see him at all now.’

Meanwhile Rhona’s friend Charlotte has reached the final round of her search and has narrowed it down to a single preferred supplier, who has been required to demonstrate his hands-on abilities in a series of intensive evening role-play sessions. ‘When Brian told me he’d worked up a proposal, I have to say I had my doubts. Now, though, we’ve covered every angle and I’ve yet to experience any shortcomings. Tender? I should say so.’

‘Well, I couldn’t believe what was happening,’ said Steve, ‘I half-expected Noel Edmonds to pop out from behind a curtain with a Gotcha. But everyone just carried on like this was normal, including Amy, who seemed unfazed and if anything a little excited.’

In a bid to cut costs, British fertility clinics are rolling out new ‘assisted conception’ procedures after a successful trial last year. Dr Lee explained the thinking behind the new treatment. ‘With poor success rates for IVF, not to mention a need to save money, we knew we had to rethink our strategy. So we came up with the idea of a ‘breeding panel’.

‘We pick a small group of good-looking men who have been proven fertile, and they each spend a night with the mother-to-be. After a meal at a fancy restaurant they retire to her home before getting to work, sometimes for hours at a time. Then after a tiring week the couple wait anxiously for a month to find out if it’s been a success. If not the process is repeated.

‘Obviously the husbands are a little put out, and I understand Steve’s apprehension, but the ladies have only had good things to say on our feedback forms. Most of our participants said they enjoyed the experience tremendously, and we must be getting something right as many of the women are still in regular touch with one or more of their experimental partners.’ Indeed, the new treatment has proven so popular that many women are signing up even when their husbands are known to have no fertility issues.

For now Steve and Amy have agreed to spend some time discussing whether this is the right path for them. ‘Amy has a good heart and completely understands my concerns,’ said Steve, ‘but she has been spending a lot more time on twitter since our appointment and now has five new followers. Hang on a minute…’