The first of these shoddily filmed direct to camera messages to be released was from 68-year-old mother of married only child Martin Sullivan who suggests, without providing substantive evidence, a number of career and possibly romantic possibilities she gave up to provide Sullivan’s father with a son, and that son with properly ironed school shirts and his favourite teas.

In traumatic scenes the radical mum then shocked viewers with a graphically gynaecological account of the complications involved in Martin Sullivan’s birth and the location of the dozen stitches subsequently required, before mentioning that she’d heard that he’d been to visit his wife’s parents again last weekend, and how it must be lovely for them to see each other so often.

Whether a viable threat to Western civilisation’s status quo would emerge following the spate of martyrdom videos was left unclear however, as further video statements began to filter in. The follow-up messages — which mainly appear to have been inadvertently recorded over footage of emotionally significant family weddings — feature fathers, insisting that the mothers meant well, and that it was just a difficult time for them, ‘what with, y’know, all that women’s stuff’ before blushing slightly and heading off to work on an ongoing DIY project in the garage.

 18 November 2009

Al-Mady revealed that in the board’s annual survey of radicalized 15 and 16-year-olds, ‘Martyr/Suicide Bomber’ was the favourite career choice for the 28th consecutive year. It scored 76%, placing it comfortably ahead of the next choices ‘Radical Preacher’ (13%), ‘Astronaut’ (6%) and ‘Systems Analyst’ (0.1%).
‘People might call it double-standards that the operation that has done so much to promote the glories of martyrdom is now calling for a rethink,’ said Al-Mady. ‘But a modern organisation needs diverse skills in order to flourish in the modern world. Whilst we will always treasure the blood of our glorious martyrs, peace be upon them, we are in desperate need of young men in other areas of our organization – fund raisers, office managers, photocopier service engineers and the I.T. department without whom the heroes self-immolations could never have happened.’

According to the survey, the main reasons given for the career choice of martyrdom as a career option among disaffected young radicals remains the same as in previous years; ‘want to be famous’, (7%) ‘want to do something for others’ (9%) but with a massive 81% opting for answer C – ‘want to spend eternity lying on cushions in a cool garden repeatedly deflowering a personal collection of 72 doe-eyed virgins.’

The Al Qaeda leadership admit that the situation is becoming desperate; ‘We tried compelling the radicalized school leavers to take ordinary office jobs in the Al Qaeda accounts department; you know, processing data, photocopying, cross-checking accounts’, said Al-Mady, ‘But after a couple of years of that, they were more desperate to blow themselves up than ever…’