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Posts Tagged ‘Maths’

Top civil servants can’t work out if A-level pass rate rising or not

In a shock development, it has emerged that grade inflation has been happening for so long now that even top civil servants at the Department of Education, supposedly the cream of the crop, are functionally innumerate and can’t work out if the A-level pass rate is higher this year than last.

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Posted: Aug 14th, 2015
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Foreign languages ‘just an elaborate hoax’

'déjà vu' replaced with 'lassez-faire'So-called ‘languages’ are an ancient practical joke, it has been revealed.

‘It all started with the Romans’, said Professor Tim Williams of the University of Central England, itself also an elaborate hoax. ‘They thought it would be funny to speak gibberish to the locals when they first came here. Being an isolated population, the myth took hold better than expected and it’s been maintained ever since.

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Posted: Jul 13th, 2015
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Aliens discovered on Earth, being educated at Eton

Maths professor Alan Daley has worked out the true cause of crop circles after his son started attending a minor public school in Kent and he began to delve into the complex maths of how public schools structure their fees.

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Posted: Sep 28th, 2014
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Britain to swap creepy PE teachers with China

As part of an exchange programme, Shanghai has agreed to import 60 British PE teachers in exchange for 60 of its finest Maths specialists. The Department for Education sees this as a golden opportunity to raise skill levels and teach China some new things.

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Posted: Mar 16th, 2014
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UK schools to revert to Roman numerals, announces Gove

In a move expected to be marginally less unpopular and unworkable than most of his other ideas, Michael Gove has announced that from 2014 UK schools will revert to teaching in Roman numerals.

The idea is the brainchild of a conservative think tank charged by the Education Secretary with charting the causes of the drastic decline in school standards in Britain since the withdrawal of the Roman Empire in 410 AD.

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Posted: Jun 18th, 2013
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