NewsBiscuit

Soon-to-be-released terror suspect Abu Qatada has been advised by his new PR agent Max Clifford to start appearing on as many celebrity shows as he can in an attempt to improve his poor public image.

‘Abs, as he wants to be known from now on, has had a terrible time from the press over the last few years,’ explained Clifford. ‘The public want to deport him, but that’s just because they don’t know the real Abs. He’s a lovely lad really, heart of gold. What he wants to do is bare his soul on Piers Morgan’s Life Stories (although personally I’d rather be tortured in a prison cell in Jordan than talk to Piers Morgan) then try to move on. If Kerry Katona can get a second chance, surely anyone can.’

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Posted: Feb 9th, 2012
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‘Why couldn’t you once just say ‘ETA’?’ asked Basque separatist group ETA leader Garikoitz Aspiazu Rubina, in an emotional plea to the world’s media to afford them the same status as the IRA, the KGB and JLS, all referred to by their three letter acronyms without any explanation.

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Posted: Oct 22nd, 2011
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‘X was completely devastated that not a single hack or paparazzi showed their face at the rehab visits, lonely walks down beaches, and secret reunions with old flames we so carefully staged, ‘MC’ told a packed press conference.

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Posted: Aug 1st, 2011
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Speculation that Princess in Waiting, Kate Middleton, may make her public debut in a TV reality show have been dashed by media experts.

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Posted: Jan 25th, 2011
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Dozens of minor celebrities have abandoned their Twitter accounts and are giving their voicemail codes to News of the World hackers instead.

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Posted: Jul 11th, 2009
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