‘Abs, as he wants to be known from now on, has had a terrible time from the press over the last few years,’ explained Clifford. ‘The public want to deport him, but that’s just because they don’t know the real Abs. He’s a lovely lad really, heart of gold. What he wants to do is bare his soul on Piers Morgan’s Life Stories (although personally I’d rather be tortured in a prison cell in Jordan than talk to Piers Morgan) then try to move on. If Kerry Katona can get a second chance, surely anyone can.’

Clifford is already in the process of lining up a series of shows for Qatada to appear on. ‘We’re in advanced negotiations with I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here,’ he revealed. ‘Abs is looking forward to eating testicles in the jungle, as long as they’re halal, although we’ll have to make sure he doesn’t try to coerce his weak-minded fellow celebs into suicide bombing Ant and Dec when the rations get low. We’re also trying to get him on Celebrity Big Brother, which he reckons he can win by persuading his rivals that there’ll be 70 virgins waiting for them on the outside if they blow themselves up in the diary room.’

As well as TV appearances, Clifford is hoping to move the focus of Qatada’s press coverage away from stories about extremist Islamic preaching and his close ties to al-Qaeda. ‘I’m thinking maybe he could have an affair with Ryan Giggs or John Terry,’ said Clifford. ‘I’d also like him to find out his phone was hacked whilst he was on the inside (by the News of the World rather than MI5) so he can make a late appearance as a witness at the Leveson Enquiry. After that maybe a perfume range, a fitness DVD, a stint as a Britain’s Got Talent judge and then his own talk-show. The sky’s the limit, as long as you’re not in a hijacked plane of course.’

Clifford is also reported to be representing another jailed radical Muslim cleric, Abu Hamza, who is apparently keen to appear on Celebrity Masterchef, Gok’s Fashion Fix and Hole in the Wall upon his release. Strictly Come Dancing has been ruled out, though, due to the danger that his hook could rip his partner’s shoulder-blades out during the American Smooth.

‘Explaining it every time makes it sound like nobody knows us, like you have to remind them who is [the Basque separatist group] ETA’

Many feel that the implied snub, repeated over the years, was what really drained the Basque separatist group ETA of support, rather than suppression by the Spanish government.

High-profile publicist, Max Clifford agrees front-of-mind salience is vital for brand-building public figures, asking us just to call him ‘Max Clifford’ from now on.

The star’s publicist  – who wishes to be known only as ’MC’ – said that although he had informed all the media of his client’s precise movements so that any intrusion could be avoided, nothing had happened.

‘X was completely devastated that not a single hack or paparazzi showed their face at the rehab visits, lonely walks down beaches, and secret reunions with old flames we so carefully staged, ‘MC’ told a packed press conference.

He added that the unnamed star would not be available for comment in Leicester Square at Noon tomorrow.

‘But,’ he added, ‘I’d rather you more or less kept that to yourselves.’

uberdog

Reflecting on her career potential, public relations guru Max Clifford, admitted that the recent announcement of Ms Middleton’s forthcoming marriage to Prince William had boosted her prospects. ‘With careful handling, her career path looks quite promising,’ said the celebrity media manipulator. ‘But she has to do something to earn her place. The producers don’t just pick anyone you know.’

‘Everyone is looking for the next Katie Price,’ he continued thoughtfully. ‘What a girl! There was an innocent Page 3 girl with immodest breast implants who entered the jungle, copped off with a one hit neverhasbeen and hasn’t looked back since. Now that’s what I call class.’

A spokesman for St James’ Palace said ‘Prince William’s fiancée has no immediate plans to appear on a TV show, but she has not ruled out appearing on a future episode of Family Fortunes which we understand is a documentary programme.’

As controversy continues to rage around allegations that the tabloid paid spies to tap the mobile phones of the rich and famous for sleazy details, demand for low security voicemail accounts has soared.

Publicity guru Max Clifford has established Famous for Five Minutes, an agency that introduces nobodies to hackers for a small fee.

Long-forgotten Big Brother evictee Sauvignon Blank said: ‘It’s brilliant. Nobody ever followed me on Twitter but I got three new mobiles today and I gave the numbers to Famous for Five Minutes and I’ve been talking dirty on all of them. The lads mags are queueing up.’

The first confirmed case has been identified in Lanarkshire. The government warned a wider spread could only be contained if people avoided crowded news areas like the tabloid papers. It advised people to keep away from television news for at least a week.

Further suspected cases have emerged in Taunton and Bristol but while contamination with Max Clifford appears to be generally unpleasant and seedy, with no known cure, hasn’t proved fatal. Yet.